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Do You Really Believe You Deserve Unconditional Love?

unconditional love

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Do You Really Believe You Deserve Unconditional Love?

Still looking for unconditional love in all the wrong places?

Recently I have been noticing a recurring phenomenon in many clients and patients with regard to their intimate adult relationships.  It appears that many of them are attracted to or have even married someone who is remarkably similar to a parent that they had “unfinished business” with.

By that I mean a parent that they had not succeeded in receiving the  acceptance and unconditional love that would have helped them develop a stable sense of self-esteem and self-worth and to fully develop their personalities.  By not having such a parent these clients and patients felt that they were never good enough and/or that they always needed to achieve more to receive the unconditional love that they needed to feel worthy from the inside out.

Having never received that from their parents (or a specific parent) they go into young adult life feeling that something within them is missing.  As a result, they are often attracted to people with personalities similar to the withholding parent that they are still seeking unconditional love and acceptance from.  The sad truth of this is that their antennae work too well and they indeed connect with someone so like that parent, that instead of gaining what they never received from that parent, they repeat the same relationship with the person they marry and continue to feel that they are not good enough.

Feeling good enough to deserve unconditional love

One of the ways to finish the unfinished business with a withholding parent who could not give unconditional love is to realize that: a) you are not unworthy of receiving unconditional love ; b) your parent was and is incapable of loving you in that way (most often due to what they didn’t receive from their parents).  If you can realize and accept these two factors, you can then go out and find people who are capable of loving you unconditionally (often this is the appeal of mentors in our lives).  As you begin to find people who view you that way, you may begin to let go of needing it from people who are incapable of giving it to you and you can stop “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

That happened to me during medical school. My mind stopped working for three years and the Dean of Students saw value in me (in the form of goodness and kindness) when I felt I lacked any value. Furthermore he not only saw it in me, he went to bat for me.  As a result it enabled me to climb upon the Road Back from Hell and walk out of it.  It changed my life and I have been “paying it forward” ever since.

Authors’ Books and Kindle – Click for Amazon Reviews

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a business advisor, consultant, speaker, trainer and coach trained as a clinical psychiatrist who honed his skills as an FBI/police hostage negotiation trainer who increases people’s ability to get through to anyone.

He is Co- Founder of Heartfelt Leadership whose Mission is: Daring to Care and Go Positive Now and is the Resident Big Brother at Business Women Rising and serves on the Board of Advisers of American Women Veterans and Dr. Oz’ foundation, Health Corps.

He is the author of international best selling book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, $24.95) which has reached #1 at amazon kindle in six business categories, #1 in China and Germany , #1 in audible audiobooks and has been translated into fourteen languages. Dr. Goulston and his book was also a PBS special entitled “Just Listen with Dr. Mark Goulston.” His next book, REAL INFLUENCE: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In, co-authored with Dr. John Ullment will be the lead book for the American Management Association in January, 2013 and will focus on influencing people in a post-selling world.

Dr. Goulston’s development of those skills started with his education: a B.A. from UC Berkeley, an M.D. from Boston University, post graduate residency in psychiatry at UCLA. He went on to be a professor at UCLA’s internationally renowned Neuropsychiatric Institute for more than twenty years, become a Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and was named one of America’s Top Psychiatrists for 2004-2005 and again in 2009 and 2011 by Washington, D.C. based Consumers’ Research Council of America.

A partial list of companies, organizations and universities he has trained, spoken to, provided executive coaching to or consulted with include: GE, IBM, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Xerox, Deutsche Bank, Hyatt, Accenture, Astra Zenica, British Airways, Sodexo, ESPN, Kodak, Federal Express, YPO, YPOWPO India, Association for Corporate Growth, FBI, Los Angeles District Attorney, White & Case, Seyfarth Shaw, UCLA Anderson School of Management, USC, Pepperdine University.

He is or has been a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and is the best selling author of four prior books including the international best seller, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior (Perigee, $13.95) Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same (Perigee, $14.95), is a contributor to Harvard Business, blogs for the Huffington Post, Business Insider writes the Tribune media syndicated column, Solve Anything with Dr. Mark, column on leadership for FAST COMPANY, Directors Monthly. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, Today.

Dr. Goulston lives in Los Angeles with his wife and three children.

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