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Are You Each Trying To Control?

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Couples therapy

Are You Each Trying To Control?

Discover how you and your partner might both be victims and both be perpetrators – how both of you may be trying to control the other rather than take loving care of yourselves.

“He is always blaming me for the bad things that happen in his life, and then he tells me it’s my controlling him that is making him so angry. He yells at me and puts me down rather than deal with his own feelings. How can I get him to see that he is the one trying to control me? How can I get him to take responsibility for his own feelings rather than keep on dumping them on me?”

Lillian was clearly feeling victimized by her husband Rob.

It is always amazing to me when a person who is blaming their partner for blaming them does not realize that they both are trying to control each other – that they are both blaming!

“Lillian, when you are trying to get Rob to see what he is doing that you don’t like, aren’t you also trying to control him?”

“Oh…..Oh, I never thought of it that way. I just thought that if I could get him to see that he is blaming me, maybe he would stop and deal with himself.”

“But aren’t you blaming him for blaming you?

“Yes, I guess I am! So when he says I am trying to control him, he’s right?”

“Yes! Anytime you blame someone for your feelings, you are trying to control them. The two of you just do it differently. He does it with his anger and meanness, while you do it with your logic and explanations. He gets angry at your debating, and you debate when he gets angry. It is a circle between you – each of you reacting to the other with your own ways of trying to control.”

“Yes, but he…”

“Lillian, you are about to do it again. You want to complain about him rather than look at what you are doing and what you need to do differently to take loving care of your own feelings. Your eyes are constantly on him – on how he feels and how he acts and what he needs to do differently. Because he is the angry one, he seems to be the perpetrator and you seem to be the victim. But he could just as easily claim that you are the perpetrator with your constant nagging at him, which he feels victimized by.”

“But I just want him to hear my feelings – to understand how his behavior makes me feel.”

“Aren’t you wanting him to understand your feelings so that he will change? Isn’t telling him your feelings a way to make him responsible for your feelings? Isn’t this just another form of control?”

“Oh my God, I can see that! I didn’t know I was doing that!”

“Lillian, until you get your eyes off him and think about how to take loving care of yourself in the face of his anger, you will continue to feel like a victim and try to control him into changing. It hasn’t worked for the 20 years of your marriage. What makes you think it is ever going to work?”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve been so miserable. I thought the only other thing I could do is leave and I don’t want to leave. I love him.”

“Yes, I know you love him. So leaving is not an option and neither is changing him. It’s time to control what you can control, which is you. I suggest that when he is yelling at you, taking loving care of yourself would mean disengaging – not getting into it with him while keeping your heart open – and go do something you enjoy doing. Are you willing to practice doing this?”

“Yes!”

[single_testimonial id=23808]
Find out how Inner Bonding has helped Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love.

Author’s Books

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world — mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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