Dear Dr. Love,
I’ve been having a long distance relationship with a man for about six months. During that six months we saw each other about a week or two a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. Recently we have been able to spend the entire month together. He is a wonderful person, receptive, caring, warm and everything is blissful, except that he is unsociable.
He does not like to go out to bars, parties, or even visit with my relatives. I did get him to go with me to a black tie affair, but he didn’t even want to talk to the people I knew there, he was content just to stay in the corner with me.
Should I be bothered by this? We have talked about him moving here to be with me, but I ‘m not sure if I want that now because I will have to give up something that makes me happy – a. k. a. being social. Don’t get me wrong, I ‘m not a party animal, but I enjoy going out at least once or twice a week and meeting new people. He would rather stay in or go shopping, meeting new people is not on his agenda. When I ask him if he wants to go out to be with my friends, he says no.
I’m 28, he’s 28. I don’t want to change him. . . but I guess I want you to tell me the obvious.
Askew in Alexandria
You want me to tell you the obvious– ‘if you don’t like the merchandise, don’t buy it or else you’ll have to exchange it later.’
My question to you is this: Since you already knew this, how come you needed me to tell you? What I mean is, why do you need outside confirmation of what you know in your heart? You sound like you doubt yourself and worse, you seem to view yourself as being off base (askew). What on earth is askew about you? You know very well what you like and want, so why call yourself derogatory names like askew?
It seems to me like someone in your life made you doubt your inner wisdom? This would explain why you need someone else to tell you what you already know. And you do know exactly who you are and what you need and want. You sound really together to me, only you don’t know it because there’s a voice in your head that makes you doubt yourself. It would be good for you to label that voice that undermines you and causes you to doubt yourself. Is the voice mom or dad? Find out, or else you’re going to spend the rest of your life thinking you’re askew, when, I swear, you are fine and on target.
Follow your heart and your instincts, which are perfect. You yourself knew, without my having to tell you, that you can’t expect to change this guy. Either you can or you can’t live with this antisocial aspect of his personality. And, from the sound of your letter, it seems that you can’t live this aspect.
So, remember what Dr. Love told you, you are not askew; never were, never will be.