I was matched with a guy on match.com about a month and a half ago, and we hit it off great. We messaged back and forth for a couple of weeks and then we started texting and talking on the phone. He is kind, passionate, honest and romantic; all traits that I have been missing from other guys I have dated. He has a stable job, he takes care of himself, he is close with his family, loves his job, and has goals for the future. I am most attracted to his confidence in where our relationship could go. We want the same current goals: marriage, kids, etc… The only issue is that I am having trouble with the idea of dating someone of a different race. Specifically, I’m not sure if I am attracted to him because he is of a different race. He is not an unattractive guy and both of our families are supportive of interracial relationships. I’m just afraid that I will lead him on too far, and when we meet in person, I won’t be attracted to him and I will have to hurt him. I am attracted to who he is, and I have been hoping that I would eventually get to the point where his race wouldn’t bother me, but it still does. He is already pretty serious about this relationship working out and I keep telling him that we need to take it slow. This issue is hindering me from letting him in completely and I’m scared I might mess this up.
What should I do?
I commend you for being so honest in admitting your reluctance to engage in an interracial relationship.
Notice you said you are having trouble with the “idea” of dating someone from another race. The problem here is one of ideation or beliefs. Deep down it sounds like you don’t believe that you should date someone from another race.
But what exactly are we talking about when we speak of racial difference. As I see it, racial differences can cause value clashes—areas in which you differ based on background, goals, beliefs, etc. In your case, you appear to be compatible in terms of your values, beliefs, goals and temperament. You said that you like his personality.
But there is another aspect of racial difference. That is the external package. What a person from another race looks like. In the end, aren’t we talking about different skin color?
For a moment let’s take a spiritual turn. If you think about it the external package—our bodies, skin color is just a vessel for the soul. When you bond with someone, it is truly two souls uniting. As we age, and the external package wrinkles and fades, we are reminded of what matters: that our purpose in life is to perfect our souls, to deepen our capacity for loving others.
If you can put aside the “superficial” issue of skin color, then what do we have? Two people who seem quite compatible.
You said you worry that in person you won’t find him attractive. Attraction is a mysterious and magical thing. It’s possible that you might feel attracted to a man of your own race based on his photo, phone conversations or written correspondence. Then, in person, you just might not feel chemistry.
But, the good news is, as long as the other person is “attractive enough” and not downright repulsive to you, chemistry can develop over time as a result of a deepening emotional bond. In fact, there are many cases in which couples were not attracted to each other at first, but the chemistry developed as their connection grew.
My sense is that attraction isn’t the problem here. My concern is that your own beliefs that you shouldn’t be with someone of another race would actually block you from allowing yourself to admit your attraction.
My suggestion is that you meet as soon as possible and find out how you feel. This way you won’t string him along unnecessarily.
I’m interested to hear how you feel after you meet him. Please let me know.
Photo Source:e-session pose | cute couple photosfrom MyStockPhoto.com