Find out when controlling is loving and when it’s unloving
Is it loving or unloving to be controlling? It all depends on your intent, on which part of you is trying to control, and what you are trying to control.
When Controlling is Unloving
When you are coming from an ego wounded part of yourself and your intent is to control others, to get them to do what you want them to do, you are being unloving to both yourself and to them. When you get angry, blaming, withdrawn, resistant or compliant, and when you lie, manipulate, threaten, or in any other way intimidate others, to get them to do what you want them to do, you are abandoning yourself and making others responsible for you in ways that are unkind to both yourself and them.
When you abandon responsibility for your own feelings and needs, trying to get others to make you feel safe, secure, worthy and lovable, you are being unloving to yourself and others.
When you make the bottom line more important than kindness and caring, you are lacking integrity and harming your own soul and the souls of others.
All these ways of controlling are unloving.
When Controlling is Loving
It is loving to yourself to consciously control your own intent rather than automatically revert to the default setting of protecting against your pain by trying to control others.
It is loving to yourself to consciously control your thoughts and actions – to choose to think true thoughts and take loving actions in your own behalf.
The law of attraction states that like attracts like. I am often asked, “Is it controlling or loving to focus on what I want with excitement, faith and gratitude, like the law of attraction books say to do? Aren’t I trying to control the outcome of things when I do this? I’ve been told that trying to control outcomes is controlling and therefore unloving. I’m confused!”
Trying to control outcomes with thought, excitement, faith and gratitude is not in itself unloving. It is when you attach your happiness and worth to the outcome that it becomes unloving to yourself.
Focusing your thoughts on what you want with joy, faith and gratitude, is controlling, but there is nothing wrong with this kind of controlling behavior. It is not harming you or anyone else. Since it likely makes you feel wonderful to think about what you want with faith, joy and excitement, rather than what you don’t want, with fear and anxiety, then it is loving action – as long as you don’t make your worth and happiness dependent upon the outcome. This is one of the keys of taking personal responsibility for yourself – to be thinking and behaving in ways that bring you joy.
You are manifesting what you want when you focus on what you want throughout the day, thinking thoughts that make you feel happy, choosing to be in faith and expressing gratitude for what you have and for what you want. The moment you go into fear or make your happiness and wellbeing dependent on the outcome, you are no longer manifesting what you want – you are now manifesting what you don’t want.
So practice controlling what you can control – your own intent, thoughts and actions. This is what the Inner Bonding process is all about – becoming conscious of your thoughts and actions that make you feel anxious, fearful, empty, alone, angry, guilty, shamed or depressed, and choosing those thoughts and actions that make you feel safe, peaceful, fulfilled and joyful.
[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]