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Obviously He Wants A Fling

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Obviously He Wants A Fling

Should she settle for a fling?

Here’s my story. I became friends with a guy while travelling and teaching English in Korea. We had everything in common and our personalities were very similar.

He was very flirty and always hinted at a fling.  But the problem is that I was virgin and he had just come out of a really bad breakup with his ex. He was very depressed and always complaining about her so I think he was looking to me as a temporary distraction. And he’s also technically still married!

I rejected him at one point when he made a move on me because I really didn’t want to have a fling or want him to know I was a virgin. But we kept hanging out as friends regardless and seemed to get even closer. As we hung out more and more, I slowly ‘fell for him’..

I kept trying to repress my feelings but they came out in full force right as he was about to leave Korea and return home. By the time I realized how interested I always was in him, it was too late! I eventually hinted at my feelings in an email and went to visit him in Spain (where he had moved to).

This time, I was the one that suggested sleeping with him! He didn’t know I was a virgin but assumed I was the type that would want a relationship, and when I brought up us sleeping together, I was shocked that he turned me down this time. Not sure if he was getting back at me for rejecting him previously, but he claimed he didn’t want to hurt me or get hurt himself.

So I left Spain and nothing happened between us. After that, I just couldn’t seem to get over him and we stayed in touch on facebook. About six months later, after I returned to Canada, I revealed all my feelings to him. I told him I was in love with him…! He didn’t seem to have a favorable reaction to that.

I told him I was a virgin which was the reason I turned him down and that he’s the only one I now want to have sex with!! So I’ve revealed everything there is to reveal to him! Now he wants me to come back to Spain so he can be my first.

He’s a casual-type guy and doesn’t seem the type to want a relationship actually. But I find it strange that I tell him I’m in love with him, yet he has no problems with the thought of just having a fling with me (even though he knows I’m a virgin)…

should I be expecting anything more from this than just a one-time thing? or do you think it’s possible that after sleeping with him, the dynamics of the relationship will change and we’ll end up together? Or worse, sex will ruin our friendship and we’ll never talk again?!!

Our friendship seems to be quite strong/unbreakable and we’re already quite bonded…so I’m not sure if sleeping together will ruin things or not.  I’m also surprised he rejects me at one point only to now want to sleep with me a year later (after I practically admitted to being in love!) And the fact I’m a virgin doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

I’m guessing I have the stronger feelings and he’s just viewing it as sex so maybe it’s a bad idea to lose my virginity to him but he’s the only guy I’ve ever been this close to and had feelings for. Do I take the risk that maybe something will work out, or not bother?

Signed by:
Wondering
Answer:

First off, listen to what you told me:

You proposed sex to him in Spain and he refused because he knew you wanted a relationship and he didn’t want to hurt you–or himself.

Then you told him you loved him and he didn’t have a favorable reaction.

After you told him that you only wanted to have sex with him, he’s offered to be your first.

I’m afraid you’re in great emotional danger. If you’re hoping that sex with forge a romantic relationship with him, don’t count on it.

This guy is casual, as you said. He also sounds too frightened to allow himself to become involved. He all but said so to you when he said he didn’t want to get hurt.

The bottom line is you’re playing with fire. Sex with him will never be casual for you. You love this man. And losing your virginity to a man you love is only going to heighten your feelings.

If you’re doing this hoping that he’ll come around, don’t!

And don’t kid yourself into believing that you could have casual sex with him and walk away. Not only is that not likely to happen, it’s not something you should aspire to. You don’t want to cut off or compartmentalize your emotions in this way. Sex is supposed to be the consummation–which means the bringing to completion–of a relationship. You don’t have a relationship with him.

If you are hoping for a relationship, then tell him so before you take the plunge (or let him take the plunge). Straight out ask if he is on the same page.

If he says that he doesn’t want anything other than a casual fling, then know what you’re in for, before you let him in!

My final word to you is this: you deserve a man who returns your love. No matter how much you’re attracted to him, that’s not a good enough reason to sleep with him–much less lose your virginity to him!

Protect yourself and your heart.

Author’s Books

Known to millions as “Dr. Love” through her website AskDrLove.com, Dr. Turndorf founded the web’s first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure.

Dr. Turndorf’s multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, “Ask Dr. Love,” can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled “We Can Work it Out,” is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years.

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