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Many Aspects Of Sexual And Verbal Intercourse Are Remarkably Similar

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Many Aspects Of Sexual And Verbal Intercourse Are Remarkably Similar

Intercourse in a relationship

Sexual and verbal intercourse–intercourse being a fancy word for connecting–are two of the main ways that two people experience being one couple in a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Shared words and shared sexual feelings both can provide a glue that bonds two into one.  At the same, important factors during these bonding activities determine whether sex and talking together will loosen or strengthen the bonds.

Symmetry makes for more satisfying intercourse for both partners

When people talk together, equal airtime creates a relationship in which both people count.  Same with the symetrical pleasuring of sexual activity; equal attention to both partners’ satisfaction conveys that both partners care about each other. When people talk together, being considerate of the other person’s likes and interests leads them to enjoy talking together.  In sex too, responsivity to indications of what the other person enjoys or prefers to avoid matters hugely. When people talk together, if he listens when she talks, enjoying the conversation by finding what’s interesting in what she says, and vice versa, odds are good that these folks will enjoy being together.  Similarly, both partners in sexual activity need to be open to receiving what the other offers.

Intercourse is most satisfying with partners who know how to take turns

When people talk together, it’s hard to both talk and listen at the same time.  Same thing in sex.  Best when one person is doing and the other receiving.  On the other hand, singing together is fun.  Especially in the higher intensity later phases of sexual intercourse, both partners can be active if they move in harmony with each other. When people talk together, if it’s all about just one of them, that’s narcissism partnering with excessive altruism.  Another word for excessive altrusism is enabling, or co-dependency. These terms all describe folks who allow inbalances to continue as if the inbalance is normal and acceptable.  In sexual interactions, if one person gets all the attention, there’s similar narcissism and excessive altruism/enabling/co-dependency.

If intercourse becomes bossy…

When people talk together, if one tells the other what to do, that gets old quite quickly.  That’s controlling behavior, and takes the fun out of a relationship.  Same in sex. When people talk together, criticizing each other puts toxicity and negative energy in a relationship, tarnishing love.  Any criticism of a sexual partner is sure to poison the relationship, and the sexual enjoyment, probably for both. By contrast, sharing information in the form of feedback (“I get anxious, uncomfortable, etc when you …) is vital.  So is gratitude, enthusiasm, and appreciation. Some say the world will end in fire, some say ice (as the poet Robert Frost writes in one of my favorite poems).  Ice in relationships is cold disinterest with withdrawal from interactions and from the giving of positive vibes to each other.  Couples who rarely talk beyond day to day logistics, rarely share their concerns and fears and joys, or rarely share sexual delights, these couples are at risk for finding themselves on a pathway to disconnection. If you are not so sure that you are heading for an ever more loving and healthy relationship, take action now.  Be sure you know how to save your relationship! May all your intercourse, verbal and physical, be loving…

Photo From:couple from www.mystockphoto.com

Author’s Books


Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is a Denver clinical psychologist who specializes in treatment of anxiety, depression, anger, narcissism, parenting challenges, and marital difficulties.
An author of multiple books, articles, audio cd’s and videos, Dr. Heitler is best known in the therapy community for having brought understandings of conflict resolution from the legal and business mediation world to the professional literature on psychotherapy.
David Decides About Thumbsucking, Dr. Heitler’s first book, has been recommended for over twenty years by children’s dentists to help young children end detrimental sucking habits.
From Conflict to Resolution, an innovative conflict-resolution theory of psychopathology and treatment, has strongly influenced the work of many therapists.
The Power of Two and The Power of Two Workbook, and also Dr. Heitler’s  website for couples called PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, teach the skills for marriage success.
In addition to her clinical work, Dr. Heitler coaches boards of directors in skills for collaboarative decision-making and, in the world of professional sports, Dr. Heitler serves as mental coach for a men’s doubles tennis team.

Education
Dr. Heitler graduated from Harvard  University in 1967, and earned her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from NYU in 1975.

Awards and Accomplishments
The editors of the master therapist video series Assessment and Treatment of Psychological Disorders selected Dr. Heitler from all the marriage and family therapists in the US to demonstrate the theory and techniques of couple treatment.  Her video from this series, The Angry Couple: Conflict Focused Treatment has become a staple in psychologist and marriage counseling training programs.
The editors of the Psychologist Desk Reference, a compendium of therapeutic interventions, selected Dr. Heitler to write the chapter onTreating High Conflict Couples. Other editors of books on counseling theory and techniques have similarly invited her to contribute chapters on her conflict resolution treatment methods.
Dr. Heitler’s 1997 book The Power of Two (New Harbinger), which clarifies the communication and conflict resolution skills that sustain healthy marriages, has been translated for publication in six foreign language editions–in China, Taiwan, Israel, Turkey, Brazil and Poland.
Dr. Heitler has been invited to present workshops on her conflict resolution methods for mediators and lawyers, psychologists, and marriage and family therapists throughout the country.  She has been a popular presenter at national professional conferences including AAMFT, APA, SmartMarriages, and SEPI and has lectured internationally in Austria, Australia, Canada, China, Israel, Lebanon, Spain, and the United Arab Emirates.
Dr. Heitler is frequently interviewed in magazines such as FitnessMen’s HealthWomen’s World, and Parenting.  Her cases have appeared often in the Ladies Home Journal column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?”  She is often interviewed by Denver TV newscasters for her perspectives on psychological aspects of current events.
In May, 2004 Dr. Heitler appeared on the CBS Early Show where anchor Harry Smith introduced her as “the most influential person in my life—my therapist.”  He encouraged his viewers similarly to seek therapy when they are emotionally distressed and pre-marital counseling when they are contemplating marriage.
Most recently, Dr. Heitler, three of her adult children and one of their friends were awarded a U.S. government Healthy Marriages Initiative grant to produce interactive games for teaching marriage communication and conflict resolution skills over the internet.  Seehttp://poweroftwomarriage.com to experience their fun, low-cost, high-impact methods of teaching the skills for a strong and loving marriage.

Personal
Dr.  Heitler and her husband of almost 40 years are proud parents of four happily married adult children and are grandparents, thus far, of a a baker’s dozen grandchildren.

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