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How To Learn From All Your Relationships With Inner Bonding

inner bonding

Anger

How To Learn From All Your Relationships With Inner Bonding

Practice Inner Bonding and learn from each and every relationship

All of our issues come up in our relationships – our fears of domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections – anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance.

While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primary relationships with a partner, these patterns are certainly activated in friendships, work relationships, and relationships with our parents and children. Therefore, if you are not in a primary relationship with a partner, do not despair! You can still be learning from and evolving in all your relationships through your Inner Bonding practice.

Craig, one of my clients, had not been in a committed relationship for about seven years. Yet most of the work we did together revolved around the problems he had in his work relationships and friendships. Craig is a person who hated to be controlled by others. As soon as he felt someone wanting something from him such as time, attention, or approval, he felt smothered and withdrew. He is highly sensitive to people coming to him from an inner emptiness and “pulling” on him to fill them up. However, his withdrawal didn’t work well for him. Before starting to practiceInner Bonding, when a “puller” came up against Craig’s resistance, that person tended to pull even more. Craig, who didn’t want to appear rude, ended up giving himself up and caretaking – giving the person what he or she wanted. He then felt angry and found himself not even wanting to be around that person any more. This same dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.

Through practicing Inner Bonding, Craig developing a powerful adult self who can speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather than withdrawing or complying. He learned that it may be loving to himself to be open to learning with the other person and say something like, “I feel there is something you are wanting from me. What is it?” He learned that it may be loving to himself to say, “When you pull on me for approval (or time or attention), it doesn’t feel good. I would like to have a caring relationship with you, but I don’t want to be responsible for your good feelings.” He also learned that he can smile and lovingly disengage without closing his heart.

Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learn from each difficult interaction. For example, if we believe we are inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we will tend to take personally others’ cold or judgmental behavior toward us. We may feel rejected and alone, and respond with anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our painful feelings and reactive behavior can alert us to the fact that we need to explore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know you are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of your self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you do, how you perform or how you look, then you will be much less likely to take other’s cold or judgmental behavior personally. You might respond with understanding, compassion or with gently removing yourself from the situation, but you would not feel hurt by other’s behavior, nor would you get angry, resentful or withdrawn.

All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile ground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing to notice all painful interactions and feelings – even to people with whom you are not involved, such as the person who cut you off on the freeway or the clerk at the market who was rude – you can learn much about your false beliefs about yourself and about what you can and cannot control. Your feelings such as anger at the person who cut you off on the freeway or resentment toward the rude clerk are red flags that let you know it’s time to do an Inner Bonding process and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficult feelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming from your own beliefs rather than from the other’s behavior, you are on the road to personal responsibility and the personal power that comes with that.

[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]

 

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world — mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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