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The 8 Signs of a Growth-Fostering Healthy Relationship

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The 8 Signs of a Growth-Fostering Healthy Relationship

Here are the 8 signs of a growth-fostering healthy relationship

If you want to participate in a growth-fostering healthy relationship, let this list of 8 things be your guide.

In a growth-fostering healthy relationship:

1. We can talk openly about things that matter.
2. We can define our values and beliefs and keep our own behavior in the relationship congruent with them.
3. We can take a clear position on where we stand on important issues.
4. We can clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.
5. We can define the limits of what we can comfortably do or give.
6. We can only share your competence as well as your problems and vulnerability with the other person. (We all have both)
7. We can engage in wholehearted listening and dial down our own defensiveness.
8. We can make sure our positive comments exceed the negative ones by a healthy margin.

My psychiatrist friend and Mentor, Dr. Jean Baker Miller (link is external)(I still miss her), has identified five “good things” that occur in a growth-fostering interaction, whether it’s with a spouse, family member, co-worker, or friend.

Add her list to my own.

In a growth-fostering healthy relationship:

1. Each person feels a greater sense of “zest” (vitality, energy)

2. Each person feels more able to act and does act.

3. Each person has a more accurate picture of herself or himself and of the other person.

4. Each person feels a greater sense of worth.

5. Each person feels more connected to the other person and feels a greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship.

If these five things are pretty much absent in your interactions with a particular person, should you disband?

If you’re in the early phase of a relationship, say, with a new friend or someone you’ve been dating, my answer is yes. Don’t ignore any big red flags waving in your face. Get out sooner rather than later.

But if you’re in a key, enduring relationship, say with a spouse or family member, don’t bolt. The longer and more important the relationship, the more you’re going to go through cycles of closeness and distance, ups and downs.And more is at stake in leaving or cutting off.

If the relationship matters, and you want to foster more of these five good things, go back to my first list and pick a couple of items from the eight to work on. Remember that working on your own self is the best thing you can do for any important relationship, no matter what the outcome.

The challenge is to have a relationship that is not at the expense of the self, and to have a self that is not at the expense of the relationship. Here’s a book (link is external)that will help you a lot with this project.

[Harriet Lerner]

Dr. Lerner is one of the world’s most respected voices in the psychology of women and family relationships. She is the author of 11 books published in 35 languages. These include The Dance of Intimacy, Marriage Rules, and The Dance of Anger, a New York Times bestseller that has helped rescue men and women from the swamps and quicksands of difficult relationships. Dr. Lerner hosts a blog for Psychology Today.

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