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Relax! There’s Enough Love Pie To Satisfy Everybody

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Relax! There’s Enough Love Pie To Satisfy Everybody

Love is infinite

One of the deepest and most common human fears is the fear of not being loved. Our language encourages us to think of love as a substance, something that can be given, something that can be received, something that can be taken away. We imagine that love is like a pie that can be cut into slices and eaten up. Some slices may be larger and juicier than others and these contain more love. The bigger your piece, the less there is for me. This false image of love as a pie is masterfully laid to rest in a short story by Amy Bloom in which a dying mother explains to her daughter that she shows up differently with each person she loves and that there’s plenty of love for everyone.

Love grows with use

In reality, love is not an object. We can feel it, but we can not touch it. We can not see it, but we can observe its effects. Like oxygen, the presence of love is life enhancing, and has a measurable impact upon the body. Unlike oxygen, love is not an odorless and tasteless gas that can be metabolized and used up. Love is not diminished by its expenditure, but like well-invested capital, the more we use it, the more it grows. If we understood that love is a frequency, a vibration, a state of consciousness, which can be summoned at will and is totally inexhaustible, our fears of losing love would lose their power over us.

This kind of love is like a radio station, broadcasting twenty-four hours a day. You can always tune in to the love channel. Like a radio broadcast, love is available to an unlimited number of listeners. All that’s required is that you find its signal on the dial of your built-in receiver.

Love needs trust and surrender  to grow

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? And it is, unless your dial is mislabeled or your antenna has been retracted. If you have grown up confusing love with attachment, dependency, sexual attraction, romantic illusion, lust, infatuation, or obligation you may be tuning to the wrong station. You keep hoping for some really upbeat, feel good music and instead you’re getting an all news station. If on the other hand, you haven’t learned the arts of trust and surrender, you may have difficulty getting a clear signal. One minute it’s sounding great and the next all you have is static.

Love is unconditional

One of my clients, a woman in her fifties with five grown children, mistakenly believed that “if you love someone, you’re supposed to take care of them.” After mothering five children, it seemed natural to Sally to take care of her new boyfriend, Jeff, in the same way she’d taken care of her little ones. For several years she offered financial and emotional support, cooked for him, shopped for him, and expected nothing in return except his “love.” Jeff was by nature a very emotionally expressive and communicative man. He complimented Sally often and bought her presents. He shared his feelings and was always available to listen when she’d had a hard day. Like her children, Jeff came to rely upon Sally to meet his basic needs. For the first time in her life, Sally felt loved by a man. And she craved this so much she ignored the unwritten contract she knew existed between them.

When the Jeff became dependent on her support and she became attached to his company, Sally called it love. Jeff began to feel obligated and resentful. When he left her for a woman who didn’t care take and “made him feel like a man” she was heart broken. “I was under his spell for a long time,” she lamented. But we could also say that rather than being his victim, she was an unconscious participant in the cultural trance that mystifies attachment and dependency by calling them love.

Pure, unconditional, natural, no strings attached love

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a baby who is old enough to focus their gaze and young enough to be innocent of separation, judgment, and blame? This is the vibration of love.  There are no words to be exchanged, nothing required other than the willingness to be there and feel what’s present. At any moment a sudden movement, sound, or bright light may distract the baby’s attention away from you, but it doesn’t matter. Once you’ve tuned to this frequency you can take it with you.

Most people believe that love is about getting your needs met or feeling appreciated, valued, and secure. There is nothing wrong with wanting these things and nothing wrong with getting them; most humans want this very much. The first mistake we make is in thinking about love in terms of what we will receive rather than what we will give. This mistake is compounded when we imagine that giving and receiving, wonderful as they are, are a substance called love.

 

Excerpted from The Seven Natural Laws of Love, by Deborah Anapol and appears by permission of the publisher. This material is protected by copyright. All rights reserved. Please contact the author for permission to copy, distribute or reprint.

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Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D., asks us to examine our conditioning and assumptions about the nature of Love and the right use of sexual energy. What is love? What is sex? How do they relate to spirit? How do they express through human bodies, hearts, and minds? What would mastery of love and sex mean for our intimate relationships? There is not one ”right” way to structure a relationship. It’s about allowing love to flow with full awareness, integrity, and authenticity. Deborah Anapol, Ph.D. is a writer, seminar leader, and relationship coach who has specialized in working with partners and singles exploring the integration of love, sexuality, and spirituality for nearly three decades. Dr. Anapol is a dynamic and entertaining speaker who has appeared on radio and television programs all across the USA and Canada and leads workshops internationally. She has raised two daughters and has two grandchildren. Visit her in cyberspace at www.lovewithoutlimits.com. Dr. Anapol attended Barnard College, graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of California at Berkeley and received her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Washington in Seattle. Dr. Anapol is the author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love, Polyamory in the 21st Century (2010), Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits (1997), Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love (ebook, 2006), and cofounder of Loving More Magazine. She is the producer of the video, Pelvic Heart Integration, documenting the work of Dr. Jack Painter. Dr.Anapol is presently based in California and Hawaii.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Darlene Lancer, LMFT

    Mar 22, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    It’s true that caretaking can destroy love. It’s often more based on the need to be needed. But although love may be unconditional, relationships aren’t nor should be unconditional. We all have needs we want met in a relationship and hopefully have some bottom lines of what we won’t accept. These are our conditions, otherwise we can become doormats for abuse. Some people look or unconditional love because they don’t accept themselves and are seeking external validation. When we love and respect ourselves, we’re better able to give that and respect others’ boundaries, as well.
    Darlene Lancer, LMFT
    Author of “Codependency for Dummies”
    http://www.whatiscodependency.com

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