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Create Emotional Intimacy In A New Relationship BEFORE Sexual Intimacy

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Create Emotional Intimacy In A New Relationship BEFORE Sexual Intimacy

The importance of emotional intimacy in new relationships

Have you ever had a promising new relationship fall by the wayside after having sex? Find out how to prevent this by focusing on emotional intimacy.

Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new relationship?” he asked me in our counseling session.

“What are you most concerned about?” I asked.

“Sex,” he answered.

“What about sex?” I asked.

Pause….”Well…performance. What if I can’t perform? What if I’m too nervous to perform?”

“Okay. Let’s start with sex.”

In the many years that I’ve been counseling, I’ve discovered that the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Let’s take the example of Yvonne.

Yvonne is a lovely young woman in her middle thirties who really wants to get married and have children. She has no trouble meeting men, but the relationships don’t last. In fact, they rarely even get started.

The problem is that Yvonne often believes what men say to her early on in the relationship. The last man she dated a couple of months ago, came on really strong. He told her on the first date how wonderful she was, how he had rarely met anyone like her. When he came on sexually, she resisted, although she was really turned on and attracted to him. He suavely said to her “I bet you’re worried that if we have sex I won’t call you again.” “Right,” she said. “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” Well, he answered, “I’m not that kind of man. Can’t you tell that we’re really connected to each other? I haven’t had such a good time in years! Of course I want to see you again!” Yvonne agreed that they were having a wonderful time. She put aside her inner warning signals and had sex with him. Sure enough, he never called her again.

The reality is that, no matter how wonderful things seem on the first or second date, this is not enough time to deeply care about someone. And sex without deep caring might be a physically satisfying experience, but it is flat emotionally and spiritually. It will almost always leave both people feeling like something was missing. Without love and caring, it is easy to move on to another person, another conquest. It is easy to dismiss the encounter – since something was missing, it must not have been the right person. But these two people never gave themselves a change to see if they were right for each other. They jumped into the most physically intimate of experiences before there was any emotional intimacy. They tried to get the intimate connection through sex, but great sex is an outgrowth of intimacy, not a cause of it. Without love and caring, any problem becomes too much to handle, any deficiency or imperfection becomes cause to move on. Physical attraction is never enough to see people through the inevitable conflicts that come up in primary relationships.

Deep caring comes through spending time together getting to know each other. It comes from months of laughing together, crying together, discovering what is deeply endearing about each other. It comes from having conflict and getting through it to understanding each other on deeper levels. It comes when two people let each in on the soul level. You need to love someone’s soul before you will be willing to go through the challenges that come up in all relationships. Without that depth of love, it is just too easy to leave.

So, what I said to Brad was, “Take your time. Don’t jump into bed until you feel so safe with each other that even if the first time you make love you don’t get an erection it won’t ruin the relationship. It may take months or longer before you feel that safe with someone.”

“Months? I’m supposed to wait months before having sex?”

“Brad, I don’t know how long it will take for you to feel loved and loving, safe and deeply caring. It depends on how much time you spend with each other. It depends on how honest you are with each other. It depends on how you each deal with conflict. You will certainly not feel safe until you have conflict and see how the two of you handle it. What if you discover that your partner completely shuts down or gets enraged in conflict? Will you feel safe if you are worried about her reaction if you can’t perform? All this takes time. What’s your rush? Is it sex you want or a relationship you want?

“Okay, I got it. I want a relationship. Whew! I actually feel some relief knowing that it’s okay to take my time!”

[single_testimonial id=23808]
Find out how Inner Bonding has helped Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love.

Author’s Books

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world — mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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