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Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

daughters of narcissistic mothers

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Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

daughters of narcississtic mothersA first aid book for the daughters of narcissistic mothers

We tend to throw around the descriptor “narcissist” when we really mean “selfish,” but the term can properly refer to someone who consistently exhibits narcissistic traits as well as to someone with a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are “official” narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum.

Karyl McBride, Ph.D., has spent more than 20 years studying and treating women who grew up with narcissistic moms. I interviewed her about her book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Here’s an edited version of our conversation:

 

 

What are the hallmarks of maternal narcissism?

An inability to give love to, and show empathy toward, the child.

How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother?

The spouse has to revolve around her, often, in order to stay in the relationship. He may practically worship her. That means he may never help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some fathers I’ve talked to realize the damage being done to their child, but feel that they can’t do anything about it. Others seem to not be aware.

You found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers. 

Yes. There’s the high achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who appears to be perfect in all she does. One of the main messages that gets internalized when your mother is narcissistic is, “You are valued for what you do and not for who you are.” So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she does have worth, by mastering different endeavors.

The other kind of daughter is a rebel. She’s an under-achiever who self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. It’s interesting, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscape is similar. The self-saboteur also thinks she’s not good enough, but has given up on disproving it.

What determines which way a daughter goes?

I was really interested in this question, especially since my sister and I fit this pattern— where I’m the “Mary Marvel.” It’s not entirely clear, but it seems that in the case of the over-achiever, she had someone in her life—maybe a grandmother—who gave her unconditional love.

What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships?

These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about “what I can do for you and what you can do for me.” They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of inter dependency.

How can an adult daughter “recover” from narcissistic mothering?

In the book I outline a 5-step program. The first part is accepting that you had a mother that didn’t love you. This is very hard for some women to acknowledge, especially because daughters in these families were not taught to deal with their feelings.

Then the daughter must separate psychologically from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and figuring out who she wants to be. It’s also important to end the legacy, to prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.

How can these women avoid becoming just like their mothers, then?

It’s really about internal changes, and changing how they interact with other people.

You can learn how to be empathetic with your children. That doesn’t mean loving “my kid the ballerina” or “my kid the soccer player,” but really tuning into who your children are as people. And it’s not about praising them just to praise them. That leads children to feel entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.

If these women treat their mothers differently, will the mothers react differently?

If a daughter starts setting boundaries in the beginning of this process, the mother’s bad behavior may in fact escalate. That’s why I often recommend a temporary separation.

The mothers may not change. I wouldn’t want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother’s narcissism, her own anger and resentment will fade. She can approach her mother in a loving way, and not as a victim.

It’s really about accepting your mother’s limitations. One of the women on my online forum described her old mentality toward her mother as something like this, “It’s like my mom is colorblind, and I keep asking her to appreciate a rainbow.”

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Carlin Flora was on staff at Psychology Today magazine for eight years, most recently as Features Editor. She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and the Columbia University School of Journalism and has written for Discover, Glamour, Women’s Health, and Men’s Health, among others. She has also appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, Fox News, and 20/20. She lives in Queens, New York.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Darlene Lancer, LMFT

    May 7, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Narcissistic parents create a feeling in their child that she (or he) is unlovable, because, as pointed out, she isn’t accepted for who she is, only who the mother needs her to be. Her true self goes into hiding and she adapts to get the love she yearns for to survive. This creates deep feelings of shame that can be crippling in life pursuits and in relationships and leads to codependency. There’s always the ever-present fear of abandonment that was experienced emotionally in reaction to the mother’s criticism or withholding of love, attention, and empathy. Consequently, many of these women, not only become pleasers, but caretakers. They learned to “take care of” their mother’s emotional needs, which came first, and they must be needed to feel valued and so as not to be abandoned.
    Darlene Lancer, LMFT
    Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency”
    http://www.whatiscodependency.com

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