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Why Do People Need To Blame?

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Why Do People Need To Blame?

Why do people resort to anger and blame in relationships and have no idea why they are behaving this way? Discover some of the reasons in this article.

“A woman who I was dating and who I really liked ended our relationship and is dating someone else. I see her all the time at the market and I feel like yelling at her.”

“I keep vowing not to, but I keep getting really angry at my husband when he is distant.”

“I lost my temper with my assistant and now she is suing me. I just can’t seem to help getting furious when people mess up.”

If this is like you, do you know why you continue act this way, even when your angry behavior generally doesn’t work and may end up creating more problems for you? Do you know what is going on for you when you attack and blame? Below are some of the reasons. See if you identity with any of them:

  • You believe that you can have control over others with anger or blame, and that controlling them will get you what you really want.

“While sometimes you might be able to intimidate or guilt a person into doing what you want, you can NEVER have control over how a person thinks and feels. At some point, even if a person complies out of fear or guilt, it may backfire on you.”

  • You want to connect with someone, such as a partner, but you don’t want to connect through true openness, as you are fearful of being seen and rejected. Connecting through a fight or argument seems like a safe way to connect. If the other person engages in the argument or fight, then you get the connection you want, but if the other person disengages, then you may be left feeling even more lonely and helpless.
  • You have low self-esteem. You are terrified of rejection and engulfment. You fear being alone. You feel insecure and powerless and getting angry and blaming makes you feel more powerful.

“The problem is that true power comes from power over self, not power over others. While having control over another might feel good in the moment, since true self-esteem comes from power within, controlling behavior over others never ultimately leads to feeling safe or secure. In fact, it leads to more fear and insecurity when others respond by distancing themselves from you, or resenting you, or resisting you, or rejecting you and leaving you.”

  • You are terrified of your more vulnerable feelings of helplessness over others, loneliness, aloneness, emptiness, fear, insecurity, or anxiety. Anger and blame work to cover up these feelings. You have no idea how to manage your pain so you have learned to get angry and blame to avoid these feelings.

“The problem is that getting angry and blaming are forms of self-abandonment. While you might believe that it is others, situations, events, or the past that are creating your pain, it is the fact that you are ignoring your feelings rather than taking responsibility for them that is actually causing your painful feelings. Until you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings, you might continue to cover them up with your anger and blame.”

  • You really believe that your pain is caused by others rather than by your own self-abandonment, so you feel justified in blaming others for your feelings.

“As long as you believe that your painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt or shame are caused by something outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and actions, you will see yourself as a victim and have a need to try to control others. As long as you avoid responsibility for learning your manage your feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief and helplessness over others, you will try to cover these feelings up with your addiction to anger and blame.”
Learning to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for your feelings.

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Find out how Inner Bonding has helped Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love.

Author’s Books

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world — mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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