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Think That Pointing Out Your Partner’s Flaws Is Helpful?

partner's flaws

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Think That Pointing Out Your Partner’s Flaws Is Helpful?

Do you believe that pointing out your partner’s flaws is helpful to your relationship? Learn why this is not true!

[tweetthis]“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ― Mother Teresa[/tweetthis]

Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner’s flaws – that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving – it is controlling.

Pointing Out Flaws
By pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the things that you don’t like and become more the person you want him or her to be. Now, be honest with yourself – is it working?
Your partner might have one of two major responses to your judgements.
  1. He or she might try very hard to become what you want them to be, thereby losing themselves. You might find that the more your partner tries to comply with your wishes, the less attractive he or she becomes to you. People who give themselves up are generally seen as doormats – not as personally powerful and attractive people. So, while your partner might try to change to be what you think you want him or her to be, you might find yourself losing interest.
  1. Your partner might be a person who hates being controlled – hates being told what to do and how to be. When this is the case, he or she might shut down to you, resisting being controlled by you.
Since neither of these foster close, loving, intimate relationships – ask yourself again: Is it working?
Having Your Flaws Pointed Out
Are you with a partner who is always pointing out what he or she thinks is “wrong” with you? How do you respond to this? Are you the compliant type or the resistant type? How is this affecting you and your relationship?
Neither compliance nor resistance is loving to yourself. In both of these responses, you are abandoning yourself. It is obvious to see that giving yourself up is a form of self-abandonment. It is actually a form of control, the hope being that if you form yourself into who you think your partner wants you to be, he or she will love you. Now, honestly, is it working?
It may be harder to see that resistance is also a form of self-abandonment. Instead of being who you are and doing what you want to do, you are reactive to your partner, resisting being controlled by him or her. It is actually another form of giving yourself up because you are not doing what you want to do but instead just resisting what the other person wants. Again, be honest with yourself – it is working to create a loving relationship? Is it working to create a sense of personal self-worth?
Taking Loving Care of Yourself
This unloving relationship system can change! As the one who judges, you need to learn to take your eyes off trying to change your partner and put them on yourself – on how to take loving care of yourself regardless of what your partner is doing. You need to accept that trying to control your partner by pointing out flaws only creates a lack of intimacy.
As the one who is being judged, you need to stop being a reactor and start speaking up for yourself. You might feel terrific if, instead of complying or resisting, you were to say something like, “I’m not available to be judged by you. When you want to be accepting, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to (read a book, take a walk, go out with a friend, etc.).” We train people how to treat us, and by no longer being reactive to being judged and instead taking loving care of yourself, you might find that your partner gives up pointing out your flaws!
[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world — mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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