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How To Introduce Kinky Sex To Your Date

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How To Introduce Kinky Sex To Your Date

5 steps to broach the subject of kinky sex to your date without offence

What if you are with someone and want to try new things but are not sure how to bring it up? Kinky sex and all the racy associations with it have been gaining more media attention, and Internet traffic indicates a strong interest in all things kinky. Even so, it can be a little embarrassing to bring up unconventional sex in the moment when you are actually with someone. These steps can help people feel more comfortable bringing up the idea of kinky sex.

  1. Ask a test question: Even though it could come across as cheesy or a line, you can ask if the person read or saw Fifty Shades of Gray. If they are enthusiastic, that provides an opening to identify something about kinky sex that excites you. To avoid the cheese factor, listen attentively to the other person’s answers and have a real interest in what they have to say. Also, don’t go overboard describing what exactly turns you on – less is more at this point, so no more than one sentence about your own desires until you have given the other person a lot more room to talk about how they feel.
  2. Suggest an activity: If your partner seems interested, you can start small and slow with a low risk activity. You don’t have to call it kinky sex, and you can ask for something specific without going too in depth. For instance, “Would you like a bit of spanking?” or “Do you want to try spanking me?” are both fairly mellow questions. Alternately, an open-ended question like “Is there anything you would like to try?” You can also put your hands together above your own head (crossed at the wrist so they can use just one hand to hold you down) and ask “Will you hold my wrists down to the bed?”
  3. Establish consent: Don’t assume silence is consent – make sure your partner wants to try this before getting started. If they say no, listen to them and do not push. If they are not sure, then wait until they are sure – go back to doing something within a realm you have already found safe and give them some time to consider the idea before moving forward.
  4. Go slow: Anticipation builds desire, and slow can be super sexy when done right. Give your partner lots of time to get used to what is happening, start slow and soft, be playful and explore. Be creative with sensation – kinky sex does not have to hurt, and things like fur, silk, smooth metal, or ice can be incredibly sensual when slowly rippled across bare skin.
  5. Communicate a lot: Make sure your partner is enjoying what is happening the whole time. Ask “How does that feel?”, “Are you enjoying this?”, and “Should I keep going, or stop?” Once you are certain that they are enjoying what is happening, you can switch to one-word questions like “Harder?” or “Faster?” Be very careful to listen to all forms of communication, not just words: high nervous laughter can be a sign of discomfort, and resisting can mean things are going too fast. If your partner does not appear to be enjoying themselves, then you can ask what they would prefer or try something different and ask “How do you like that?”

[Elisabeth Sheff]

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Dr. Elisabeth “Eli” Sheff is the foremost academic expert on polyamory in the US, and the worldwide expert on polyamorous families with children. Sheff’s first book, The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Families and Relationships (2014), details her 15-year study of poly families with kids and was just reprinted in paperback, and her second book Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families (2015) is an edited anthology of writings by poly folks. An expert witness and Guardian Ad Litem with a background in academic sociology, Dr. Sheff specializes in gender and sexual minority families, kink/BDSM, and issues facing trans* people. She is the CEO and Director of Legal Services at the Sheff Consulting Group, a think-tank of experts specializing in unconventional and underserved populations. You can find her blog on Psychology Today at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door

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