Connect with us

How Do I Date

Often Sexual Conflict Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Sex

sexual conflict

Couples therapy

Often Sexual Conflict Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Sex

Sexual conflict isn’t always what it seems

When couples find themselves locked in Sex Wars, non-sexual issues may be the culprit. In fact, sexual conflict is often symbolic expressions of fear of intimacy, dependency, abandonment, or loss of control.

Sexual conflict case study 1

Take as an example Jack and Yvonne.

Jack loved his wife, Yvonne, but there was only one problem. He wanted nearly constant sex, and his wife was on the verge of developing a callus on her you-know-what!

Yvonne finally put her foot down.

In response, Jack stopped asking her for sex and began having multiple affairs.

As time went on, she feared that Jack wasn’t attracted to her anymore. She couldn’t understand why he stopped approaching her for sex altogether.

So, she tried to do the approaching, attempted to introduce sexual variety, and even had a total makeover, all to no avail.

Yvonne was in a state of despair.

The couple came to me on the brink of divorce.

When Jack and I spoke alone, it was clear that his need for constant and varied sex was being fueled by a deeper source.It was time for some bedroom detective work.

So I used my Reading Between the Sheets technique to uncover what Jack’s sexual insatiability really meant.

To do this, I asked him:

  • How did he feel when he didn’t have as much sex as he liked?
  • How did he feel when he fulfilled his desires with strange women? Did this satisfy him?
  • What was he missing in the marriage, if anything?
  • What was he missing within himself?
  • What hole was he trying to fill (no pun intended) by having sex with numerous women?

By delving into Jack’s background, I discovered that his father was a womanizer who had abandoned Jack and the family when Jack was very young.

Jack never dealt with his sense of loss. By following in his father’s philandering footsteps, Jack unconsciously lived with his father at his side. As we discovered, Jack’s acts of infidelity were driven by the unconsciouswish to fill his inner emotional void. The problem was that by cheating on his wife, he was jeopardizing the love that was waiting for him at home. When Jack understood this, a miracle occurred. He was able to give up his extracurricular affairs and lived, literally, happily ever after from that day forward.

The point here is that sexual conflict is not always about what it seems.

Sexual conflict case study 2

Let me give you another example that is the exact reverse of Jack and Yvonne’s case.

Steve was a man who had lost all his sexual desire for his wife. On the surface, it was easy to assume theirs was a sexual problem. Maybe his wife, Joanne, had let herself go; maybe sex had become routine; or maybe he had too much stress at work. I resisted the temptation to assume that this was the case. Once again, I used my Reading Between the Sheets technique to delve beneath the surface by asking:

  • How long had the problem been going on?
  • What had changed in the couple’s life and relationship?
  • Was sex ever good between them? If so, when did it deteriorate?

I learned that their sex life had been fine until the birth of their first child. But Steve’s deflated drive wasn’t caused by the usual culprits (unresolvedanger, stress, illness, exhaustion, or the fact that his wife had become less attractive). So we needed to explore further how the birth of his child was related to his “limp loins” syndrome. Steve then recalled a childhoodmemory in which his mother was standing in front of him in a daffodil-colored dress. He remembered feeling a rush of sexual sensations and then felt struck by a bolt of guilt. Now, we had the key to the puzzle. When Joanne became “Mother,” his unconscious guilt over being attracted to his own mother caused him to turn off sexually to his wife. When Steve was able to recognize the deeper issue that was operating, when he realized that it was no sin to have felt attracted to his own mother, he was then able to allow himself to once again feel attraction for his wife.

Finding out what lies beneath your sexual conflict

When it comes to applying my Reading Between the Sheets technique to your own sexual conflicts it’s impossible for me to give you a list of rote questions. Your questions will always change according to the issues you’re addressing. But once you understand that your goal is to delve beneath the surface, to get at the emotional core that underlies your sexual conflict, the right questions will come naturally to you.

Reading Between the Sheets is like peeling the layers of an onion. On the first layer, you may well discover that sexual conflict often reflect deeper relationship issues that have nothing to do with sex. When we peel off the next layer, we discover that a heated sexual conflict  is often fueled by Old Scars from childhood.

In my new Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship
, I show you how to identify the Old Scars that are fueling your fights. Next, I give you specific suggestions on how to heal each Old Scar.

Because the highest and most divine purpose of our intimate relationships is to help each other to heal our mutual Old Scars, you will be richly rewarded for offering the gift of healing to each other. As you will soon discover, as the Old Scars heal, sexual conflict magically disappears…allowing the love that brought you together to shine brighter than ever.

Author’s Books

Known to millions as “Dr. Love” through her website AskDrLove.com, Dr. Turndorf founded the web’s first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure.

Dr. Turndorf’s multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, “Ask Dr. Love,” can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled “We Can Work it Out,” is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years.

Dr. Turndorf’s methods have been featured on national television networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1 and Fox, and on websites such as WebMD, iVillage, Discovery.com, MSNBC.com. She has also been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire.

Dr. Turndorf’s latest Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, has been endorsed by New York Times bestselling authors Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw.

Since the recent death of Emile Jean Pin, her beloved husband of 27 years, Dr. Turndorf has discovered that relationships do not end in death. His miraculous manifestations, often in front of witnesses, have proven to her that there is life after life and love never dies.

As a result of her experiences, Dr. Turndorf has developed a groundbreaking form of grief therapy that diverges from the traditional Western approach (grieve, let go and move on). By contrast, her method guides people to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with their departed loved ones. Her latest Hay House book on this topic is entitled Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased.

To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased.

For Free Gift details or to receive a sneak peek of Love Never DIes, visit the book page: http://askdrlove.com/page/love-never-dies-how-reconnect-and-make-peace-deceased.

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More in Couples therapy

Best Dating Sites

Categories

Must Reads

To Top