Dear Uncle Slash,
I am a new Senior Citizen and have been married to the same lovely woman for 17 years, however we gave up on our sex life roughly 17 years ago. I’ve noticed that I, like many men I know, still have an eye for much younger and obviously inappropriate women, yet the culture we live in keeps bombarding me with sexy images of those girls on a daily basis. At the same time, there is also increased attention in the press about how vile, objectifying and unhealthy this is. The only solutions I have come up with thus far, which aren’t really working, are to either live my life with a literal blindfold on, to shield myself from the onslaught of lusty imagery, or to become an Ultra-Orthodox Zoroastrian and live in a sheltered community in Persia. My main question then, is, where exactly IS Persia, I can’t locate it on my map. Yours, Dick v.d. Bern
Dear Ol’ Rusty Loins,
We live in such a cruel world don’t we? Now that we’ve officially entered the period of world history known as the Mexican Restaurant Empire and eunuchism has became a fully established equal opportunity political institution, all men (regardless of sexual orientation) are now struggling with their inappropriate lives on a daily basis.
Yet, I should remind you that when you tied the knot your manparts were rendered inactive, not removed.
This reminds me of a conversation I had a few years back with my mom in Chipolte Mexican Grill shortly after setting up her on-line dating profile. As I dipped my chip, I listened eagerly while she told me all about the abundance of generous attention she was now receiving from young men in their thirties and forties. As I suspected, the photo I’d chosen (I cloned an ivy covered fence over the place in the photo where my Dad had been standing) was working wonders. She wasn’t happy though. She didn’t want to attract young men. She wanted to attract old men – really old men – like probably older than you. The photo was sending the wrong message.
“If I can find a really old man,” she said, her entire face lighting up, “then I will finally be the young woman again.”
As she continued to speak, I began to read a phrase on one side of my bag of chips. It read, “It’s probably too small for your dreams & aspirations…” Had you written to me then, I would have probably thought “I wonder if this phrase is a familiar-sounding eunuchism to O’l Rusty Lions?”
Then, I turned the bag around. On the other side was an unintelligible stream-of-consciousness-like epigram. Teleologically speaking, it translated as “Do you ask, Poppy, why your Mommy only consorts with eunuchs? Mommy wants the flower of marriage – not the fruit.”
My advice to you Ol’ Rusty Loins is to forget the blind fold and opt for a pirate eye patch. (I recommend the Caribbean Sunset 12 pack). This way no one will think twice when you pass a young girl on the street and say “Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen!” Besides, by simply closing one eye and removing your hearing aid you can escape into the safety of your cerebral man cave.
But it’s not the young girls or Persia that you need to set your sites on. Keeping in mind that Christianity for some time has found a special virtue in celibacy, I recommend that you aim your ship toward the Pitcairn Islands. According to Wikipedia this group of four volcanic islands are inhabited by the descendants of Bounty mutineers and boast the largest Christian population on the planet. It’s been confirmed that plenty of beautiful women in their late 90‘s, early 100’s, and mid 200’s reside there. Chances are good that you’ll find an elegant mutineer sexpot there who will appreciate your designer eye patches, won’t judge you for your Metamucil intake, and bring back your youthful glow.
Don’t dwell on your current social status, though. It’s true that a eunuch can be easily ignored for days, weeks or even centuries on end without repercussion. Until then, get out to Costco more often and enjoy your life. Demosthenes, the orator, explained it best: “We have Craigslist for our pleasure, burritos for our health, and wives to help us dream of Ultra-Orthodox Zoroastrian lives in sheltered Persian communities.”
Your humble but trusted manservant,