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Is He Confusing Infatuation With Real Love?



Is He Confusing Infatuation With Real Love?

Infatuation, love or good old fashioned lust?

Dear Dr. Love:

After placing an online personal for a mate in my area, and turning down some very compatible females because of distance, I now find myself ‘in love ‘with a California woman who seems to be EVERYTHING I ‘m looking for in a lover.  I live in New York, however, and am the survivor of a failed move to California to be with a woman I loved then.

I’ve yet to meet this woman face to face yet, and we are making plans to hook up to see if there is any chemistry. But she insists that she loves me and believes that we are being brought together by God. I tell her I love her, but she doesn’t believe I really do, and frankly, I ‘m afraid that I ‘m in love with the torrid phone sex we’ve had and the many things we have in common. As I get to know her better, I find that many of her spiritual beliefs are not in tune with mine. I have a teenage daughter that lives with me and I promised her when I returned from California the first time that I would never leave her again.

I’ve been alone for so long (six years) that I feel I just may be acting out of desperation. And while I want to see if we can make a monogamous, long-distance relationship work, I also don’t want to get bit by the same dog twice. I told her I ‘m unsure and thought we should either rethink this or ease out of it, but she became very hurt and angry.

Eventually we ‘kissed and made up’ and she understood that I wasn’t ready to pack up and leave for the coast. I have a photo of her that she has sent. She is an absolutely beautiful woman of color, and I am a handsome, yet overweight, white male. I ‘m afraid also that my weight will turn her off, despite her assurance that it wont. I ‘m really in a quandry because I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt her either.

Here’s the kicker. . . we’ve only known each other for two weeks. They say advice is the truth you get from someone else, but don’t want to accept. Tell me, Dr. Love. . . what is your advice?

Thanks in advance,

Mr. All-Mixed-Up


You say you are afraid to get ‘bit by the same dog twice.’ I think you mean, you are afraid to fall for someone and be rejected again. Your fears are well-founded. It sounds to me like you confuse love and lust. You’ve known this woman for two weeks and already you think you are in love.

I have a bulletin for you. You can’t be in love so fast. Infatuation, yes. In lust, yes. But in love, no. Because you mistake lust for love, I think you dive into relationships half-cocked, if I may say. By pouring yourself into a relationship before you have had adequate time to determine whether or not the other person is compatible with you, you are setting yourself up to be ‘bit ‘again.

I know you are lonely, and eager to find a new relationship. But, you need to take it slower and protect yourself better. So, before jumping into the saddle again, make sure that you are compatible with the other person (e. g. share similar tastes, values and interests. ) Then, put your toe in the water very slowly. There is much more to love than simple sexual attraction.  Try to get it straight in your mind. Lots of luck in finding a true love.

Author’s Books

Known to millions as "Dr. Love" through her website, Dr. Turndorf founded the web's first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure. Dr. Turndorf's multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, "Ask Dr. Love," can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled "We Can Work it Out," is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years. Dr. Turndorf's methods have been featured on national television networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1 and Fox, and on websites such as WebMD, iVillage,, She has also been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire. Dr. Turndorf’s latest Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, has been endorsed by New York Times bestselling authors Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw. Since the recent death of Emile Jean Pin, her beloved husband of 27 years, Dr. Turndorf has discovered that relationships do not end in death. His miraculous manifestations, often in front of witnesses, have proven to her that there is life after life and love never dies. As a result of her experiences, Dr. Turndorf has developed a groundbreaking form of grief therapy that diverges from the traditional Western approach (grieve, let go and move on). By contrast, her method guides people to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with their departed loved ones. Her latest Hay House book on this topic is entitled Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased. To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased. For Free Gift details or to receive a sneak peek of Love Never DIes, visit the book page:

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