“If I assess myself quite objectively, if I know my accomplishments as well as my drawbacks, is there a chance to be loved by a worthy solid and wholesome man – the one I feel I`d be happy with? By the one who is objectively stronger and wiser and kinder? `Cause it seems to me that I`m not worthy of him, because I know really bad sides of myself such as envy, unhealthy jealousy, pride, cowardice… And I am still trying to do away with them and do not know how much time it will take to get rid of them for it is a life-time process.”
Rochelle, in order to find your dream man, you need to become the person you are seeking – the strong, wise and kind person you want to partner with. We all have positive and negative qualities, because we all have an incredibly wonderful essence as well as a wounded ego self.
As long as you tell yourself that you are not worthy because of the qualities of your wounded self – envy, unhealthy jealousy, pride, cowardice – you will not be able to find him. It is your judgement of your wounded self and trying to ‘get rid’ of these qualities, rather than heal them, that is causing your problem.
We cannot ‘get rid’ of our wounded self. This part of us is programmed in and is part of our survival system. But we can certainly heal the false beliefs that fuel envy, jealousy, pride and cowardice.
So the journey you need to be on is to heal the judgemental part of yourself who tells you that you are unworthy. If you tune in, you will discover that it is your own self-judgements that actually create the fear that leads to envy, jealousy, pride and cowardice.
The best thing you can do for yourself to become the stronger, wiser and kinder person that you are seeking in a partner is to be dedicated to awareness of how judgemental toward yourself you are, and to move into compassion for both the judgemental part of you and for all the painful feelings that result from your self-judgements.
It is compassion rather than self-judgement that will heal your feelings of unworthiness. While you may have absorbed these feelings from parents, teachers and peers as you were growing up, It is you who are currently causing your feelings of unworthiness through your self-judgements. Self-judgement is a form of self-self-abandonment, and it is abandoning yourself that causes your current feelings of feelings of unworthiness.
Since we attract someone at our common level of woundedness, you cannot attract a strong, wise and kind man who values himself, unless you learn to value yourself. A man who values himself is not attracted to people who do not value themselves.
It is important for you to discover all the ways you don’t value yourself. Do you say focused in your head and ignore your feelings? Do you turn to various addictions to avoid responsibility for your feelings? Do you make others responsible for whether or not you feel worthy or lovable? Do you ignore your physical health – eating junk, not exercising, not getting enough sleep? Do you keep your environment messy? Are you always late? Do you live on the edge financially? Do you have too much debt to feel safe financially? Do you give yourself up in relationships? Do you ignore your inner guidance? These are all ways of abandoning yourself that will lead to not feeling worthy or lovable.
Learning to take loving care of yourself – physically, emotionally, financially, organizationally, relationally and spiritually – is what will make you strong, wise and kind, enabling you to attract a strong, wise and kind man.
Yes Rochelle – it does take time, but it doesn’t have to take a lifetime. Diligently practising Inner Bonding is the way to get there!
[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]