Communication

8 Ways Effective Communication Will Help Your Relationships

Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHA

Published on Oct 21, 2015

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Effective communication comes from really listening

You gotta learn to listen, listen to learn—Ramones, “Learn To Listen”(link is external)

Effective communication built on the bedrock of effective listening is vital to the development of empathy in any relationship. Such listening is the primary tool for:

Disarming the anxiety driving irrelationship
Opening the way for intimacy

What follows is an unpacking of some powerful characteristics of listening.

Listening is calming. When we allow ourselves to listen for its own sake, rather than to plan our comeback (or even retaliation), we learn to relax from the defensive posture we often bring into tense interactions. Of course, the change doesn’t happen the instant we decide we want to learn to listen. Our fears and investment in own position don’t automatically stand down, but making the commitment to learning this new way starts clearing space so we can hear and accept others’ feelings and needs. And everyone knows what a relief it is getting things out in the open.
Listening to others clears space in which we can hear and understand our own feelings better. Instead of getting protectively geared up for when they “finish,” we have room to figure out what our own feelings are and the subtle roles they play when we interact with others.
When we listen to others it provides space for what, in irrelationship terms, is called “collaborative mutuality.” Setting aside our defenses and focusing on the other person’s needs in a non-judgmental posture activates brain pathways attuned to the other’s state of mind. This readies us to grasp not only what they’re saying (“cognitive empathy”) but also where it’s coming from (“emotional empathy”).
Listening enables constructive conversation that clarifies intent and content and validates every party’s feelings. This improves buy-in by all parties, which improves collaborative decision-making and strategizing. It also improves our ability to foresee problems or obstacles, make use of opportunities, and improve our chances of meeting our goals.
Listening becomes easier with practice. As it becomes habitual, the quality of communication and its payoff improves. Eventually, the ability to reflect on what is being said while it is being said becomes an indispensable tool.
Feeling “listened to” or “heard” generates positive feelings, leading to better personal and working relationships and outcomes. Like improved listening skills, the benefits of feeling heard deepens over time for all parties concerned. This promotes more positive attitudes when approaching personal or work-related interactions, particularly interactions about which we’re anxious or apprehensive.
Practicing listening improves our ability to understand our own feelings and reactions and how they may affect others. We become better able to pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues from others and enjoy conversation involving multiple perspectives. This improvement in interaction with the social environment is matched by increased comfort in our inner environment.
Listening builds intimacy. In a way this is a summary of the other seven points. Over time, improved listening brings us closer and improves our regard for one another, whether in romantic, family, or work relationships.

Taken together, these characteristics of listening can—and do—facilitate a process that empowers effective communication. If you’d like to learn more about our listening methodology, here’s how to get your own copy of our book(link is external).

Visit our website: http://www.irrelationship.com(link is external)

[Mark Borg]

Related Topics:communication, empathy, feelings, intimacy, listening skills, relationships

Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHA

Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D. is a community psychologist and psychoanalyst, founding partner of The Community Consulting Group, and a supervisor of psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute. He has written extensively about the intersection of psychoanalysis and community crisis intervention. He is in private practice in New York City. Grant H. Brenner, MD is a psychiatrist in private practice, specializing in treating mood and anxiety disorders and the complex problems which may arise in adulthood from developmental childhood trauma. He works from a humanistic and integrative perspective, recognizing that each person requires an comprehensive assessment and individualized treatment plan, and that often different types of treatment are sometimes necessary to explore before finding an approach which works. At the same time, he values evidence-based approaches and stays current with new developments. He uses various approaches including talk therapy, medications, and interventional psychiatric approaches such as transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) and neurofeedback. He is a volunteer and Board member of the not-for-profit organization Disaster Psychiatry Outreach. He teaches and supervises, and is a faculty member of the Mount Sinai Hospital and Director of the Trauma Service of the William Alanson White Institute. He is an editor of and author in the book Creating Spiritual and Psychological Resilience: Integrating Care in Disaster Relief Work, and the author of several papers and book chapters. Daniel Berry, RN, MHA has practiced as a Registered Nurse in New York City since 1987. Working in in-patient, home care and community settings, his work has taken him into some of the city's most privileged households as well as some of its most underprivileged housing projects. He is currently the Assistant Director of Nursing for Risk Management at a public hospital serving homeless and undocumented victims of street violence, drug addiction and severe traumatic injuries.