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How To Create Relationship Connection

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How To Create Relationship Connection

Are you forging a positive relationship connection?

Are you aware of what state you are in when you and your partner come together?

On a recent visit with my daughter and her family, she and I were taking a walk and talking about our mutual work.

“I read a lot of books about relationships that offer suggestions for how to approach your partner to get your partner to connect with you,” she said. “These books do a great job of describing the ways we behave that cause relationship disconnection—which is helpful—but I have not found it helpful with my husband to TRY to get him to connect with me. We connect naturally when we are both connected with ourselves.”

“I’ve found the same thing,” I answered. “Very few books stress the importance of taking personal responsibility for our own feelings and learning to connect with ourselves first. Relationships work when we come to our partner connected with ourselves, and and peaceful inside. Trying to talk about anything to get connected or resolve problems when we are disconnected only creates more problems.”

“And when we take care of ourselves,” she added, “we don’t need to talk much about problems. We get to talk about fun things!”

Think for a moment about how you come to your partner.

  • Do you come needy, empty or insecure, trying to get love, attention, connection, validation or sex to get filled up or feel worthy and lovable? Do you use niceness, over-talking, blaming or complaining to try to get what you want? Are you trying to get love rather than be loving?
  • Do you come anxious or depressed, dumping your anxiety or depression on your partner through complaining or blaming?
  • Do you come resistant, just waiting for your partner to want something from you so you can shut down and resist?
  • Do you caretake your partner to avoid him or her being angry or upset with you—doing what you think you ‘should’ do to keep the peace? Is your primary intention when you come to your partner to avoid rejection?


  • Do you come to your partner happy and peaceful, having done your own inner work so you can share love, connection and fun with your partner?
  • Do you come to your partner because you are open to learning about yourself and you want your partner’s help in helping yourself?
  • Do you come to your partner because you see that your partner is sad and hurting and you want to lovingly be there for him or her with your comfort and caring?
  • Do you come to your partner because you see that your partner is overloaded and in a time crunch, offering your help?

In the first list, you are coming to your partner to get something, control something or resist something. Your intent is to make your partner responsible for you and get your partner to change and do what you want him or her to do.

In the second list, you are coming from an inwardly open and complete place, filled with love that you want to share with your partner, or with a deep intent to learn about yourself or support your partner in some way. Rather than making your partner responsible for filling you up, making you happy, defining your worth or making you feel safe, you have done these things for yourself before coming to your partner, or you are coming genuinely wanting your partner’s help with your own inner exploration.

It’s such a blessing for me to see my daughter and her husband coming to each other open, happy and loving. And I can see the wonderful effect it has on my grandsons, who also come, most of the time, to each other, to their parents and to me with the same openness, joy and love.

[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]


CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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