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Betrayal Causes Deep Wounds In Women



Betrayal Causes Deep Wounds In Women

Betrayal – the wound that can break your heart

When as cared about and safe as you thought you were is as uncared about and unsafe as you turn out to be
you can never completely forgive or forget.

This may also be true for men, but it is especially true for women.  Women are more in tune with their connectedness to other human beings than men.  That may explain why many mothers can hear the sound of an infant toddler in another room and know what’s going on, whereas most fathers would need to go and check it out.  It may also explain why more mothers than fathers can tell when their child has a temperature by pressing their cheek to their child’s forehead than is true for a father.

When a woman separates from her family of origin to attach to a man and to begin a marriage and then a family, she is much more in tune with and it is much more important to her that she feel she can trust the man in and with her life both explicitly and implicitly.

Not being able to do so shakes her to her core.  That may explain why prenuptial agreements are so offensive and hurtful to so many women who feel pressured to sign them.  What a prenup means to women if she is the less monied party, is that if he changes his mind about wanting to be in the marriage and decides he wants out, he gets to keep what was his before the marriage plus whatever is agreed to by virtue of the agreement.

Since betrayal by cheating on a marriage is such a violent assault on the spirit of wedding vows, I think all prenups should have written into them that if either party has an affair that they forfeit something big.  And while I’m on my soapbox that nobody will listen to, I would also add the stipulation, should either party ask for a divorce that both parties must agree to a minimum of six months of marriage counseling or marriage therapy, or else the person seeking the divorce also forfeit something big from the prenup (see: How Prenups Kill Romance).

What’s can be done to heal betrayal?

If you have suffered betrayal, you need to decide whether you want to get over it.

If you decide that you would like to heal from it, you will need to tell the person responsible for your betrayal to offer you the 4 R’s to respond to your 4 H’s (and then watch closely how earnestly they do it).

1. To ease your hurt they will need to demonstrate remorse to show that they know they damaged or even broke something in you, by looking you directly in the eye and admitting they’re truly sorry and that they were wrong, with no excuses or explanations (this is the stumbling block for very narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton and John Edwards couldn’t do to the satisfaction of their wives or the rest of us).

2. To respond to the hate you feel at their taking away trust, they need to show restitution and offer a payback for what they took away from you by giving up something that matters to them or letting you verbally punch yourselves out at them  for making you feel crazy while they lied to you.

3. To lower your hesitation to trust they need to rehabilitate themselves to let you see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused them  to stray and that they actually prefer to their old destructive behavior.

4. To get you to stop holding onto a grudge, they need to request forgiveness after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so these new mindset and behaviors can become a part of their personality.

The level of resistance that the other person has to providing you those first 3 R’s is directly correlated to how justified they felt their behavior was. And since most interpersonal problems have two sides to the story, you should also own up to — with your 3 R’s — any and everything you may have done to trigger their behavior.

If you decide to not forgive, that of course is your choice. However, holding onto a grudge and dwelling on it can turn you into a bitter person (possibly like one of your parents who you swore you didn’t want to end up like).

What it comes down to is that if you’d rather be right, self-righteous and stay a victim, you really are damaged goods and not relationship material, because one false move from your next relationship and they will die for the sins of your past one.

Authors’ Books and Kindle – Click for Amazon Reviews

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a business advisor, consultant, speaker, trainer and coach trained as a clinical psychiatrist who honed his skills as an FBI/police hostage negotiation trainer who increases people’s ability to get through to anyone. He is Co- Founder of Heartfelt Leadership whose Mission is: Daring to Care and Go Positive Now and is the Resident Big Brother at Business Women Rising and serves on the Board of Advisers of American Women Veterans and Dr. Oz’ foundation, Health Corps. He is the author of international best selling book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, $24.95) which has reached #1 at amazon kindle in six business categories, #1 in China and Germany , #1 in audible audiobooks and has been translated into fourteen languages. Dr. Goulston and his book was also a PBS special entitled “Just Listen with Dr. Mark Goulston.” His next book, REAL INFLUENCE: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In, co-authored with Dr. John Ullment will be the lead book for the American Management Association in January, 2013 and will focus on influencing people in a post-selling world. Dr. Goulston’s development of those skills started with his education: a B.A. from UC Berkeley, an M.D. from Boston University, post graduate residency in psychiatry at UCLA. He went on to be a professor at UCLA’s internationally renowned Neuropsychiatric Institute for more than twenty years, become a Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and was named one of America’s Top Psychiatrists for 2004-2005 and again in 2009 and 2011 by Washington, D.C. based Consumers’ Research Council of America. A partial list of companies, organizations and universities he has trained, spoken to, provided executive coaching to or consulted with include: GE, IBM, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Xerox, Deutsche Bank, Hyatt, Accenture, Astra Zenica, British Airways, Sodexo, ESPN, Kodak, Federal Express, YPO, YPOWPO India, Association for Corporate Growth, FBI, Los Angeles District Attorney, White & Case, Seyfarth Shaw, UCLA Anderson School of Management, USC, Pepperdine University. He is or has been a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and is the best selling author of four prior books including the international best seller, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior (Perigee, $13.95) Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same (Perigee, $14.95), is a contributor to Harvard Business, blogs for the Huffington Post, Business Insider writes the Tribune media syndicated column, Solve Anything with Dr. Mark, column on leadership for FAST COMPANY, Directors Monthly. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, Today. Dr. Goulston lives in Los Angeles with his wife and three children.

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