Dr. Neuman, what is the problem with me?? I am a 40 yearl old, fit ,decent looking, professional, doing well carrier wise and married with 2 kids. Socially adjusted , set of good friends. … Seems like truly blessed but then I fall for having covert affairs! That too twice! First time it went on for almost 8 years…though later I started feeling that I was just being used in the name of emotions , I fell again for someone else soon…now this one is over too ,after almost 2 years…though I still like him very much but he decided to go back to his wife. And it has left me feeling worthless and unwanted. and My relationship with my husband has always been on rocks and now its at its worst.i dont even want to be with him. What should I do? How do I change myself? Sometimes I think I am still waiting for he other guy to leave his wife for me. How do I stop doing it?. How do I move on?
I do not know why you are having covert affairs. There can be many different reasons. Also, you should ask yourself why you were willing to maintain such covert affairs for a number of years. Usually, most women recognize that if a lover is not willing to leave his wife relatively quickly–within a matter of months– he is not ever going to leave, whatever particular excuse he may give. Some people prefer to be in relationships that can never become committed and permanent. Maybe that is true for you, too. If you entered into a second affair, I think you must have been looking for such an arrangement–whether you realize it or not. It does not seem accurate to say that someone took advantage of you over such a long period of time. You were an equal participant. And you must have known what was going to happen.
You should come to understand that the sort of man who will conduct covert affairs with married women may not be the sort of man who would approach you if you were divorced. And vice-versa. The kind of scrupulous man who one would ordinarily think is desirable will not be interested in you if you are married. Perhaps a better question is, why are you staying married if you are unhappy with your husband?
The usual reason men and women stay in unhappy relationships is that they are afraid of being alone. If you do get a divorce, you will have to be alone for a while, but not for a long while. You can then go out with some expectation that down the road you can make another, happier marriage. And you would not have to engage in lying and hiding from others. I think if you are respectful of yourself, you are more likely to attract someone permanently.
Fred Neuman, M.D. is the Director of the Anxiety and Phobia Treatment Center. After serving as Associate Director for 21 years, Dr. Neuman assumed the directorship in 1994. Educated at Princeton University and the NYU College of Medicine, Dr. Neuman specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders. He is the author of the following books: Caring: Home Treatment for the Emotionally Disturbed, Fighting Fear: An Eight Week Guide to Treating Your Own Phobias, Worried Sick?: The Exaggerated Fear of Physical Illness, and Worried Sick? The Workbook. Dr. Neuman is also the author of numerous magazine and newspaper articles on the efficacy of Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy for the treatment of anxiety disorders. Dr. Neuman is a member of the American Psychiatric Society, The American Association for the Advancement of Science and the New York Academy of Science. Dr. Neuman is also the author of the following novels: "The Seclusion Room," Viking Press. "Maneuvers" Dial Press "Come One, Come All," "The Wicked Son," "Detroit Tom and His Gang" "Superpowers." All these books are available from Amazon.