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How To Fall In Love With Your Partner Again

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How To Fall In Love With Your Partner Again

Have you fallen out of love with your partner and wondering if you’ll ever able able to fall in love with them again?

I offer some possible fixes when you and your partner have the “blahs.”

Is it possible to fall back in love with a mate who has become unexciting?  This is a question I am asked with some frequency and  the answer I usually give is “it could be.”

When longtime partners succumb to the humdrums, (you know, “there’s no magic anymore”) they sometime wind up in the office of a marriage counselor looking for a fix. I’m sorry to tell those hoping for instant gratification that if there is a fix, it must come from inside the person who is asking and may involve some effort.

“But s/he is no longer the person I fell in love with,” is the complaint.  “And are you the same person who originally fell in love?” I ask in return.  Over time every one of us grows and changes. Some people grow together, others grow apart as time and circumstances vary.

It is a common romantic belief that continuing to love the one we once fell in love with just happens and for some lucky ones it does. However, most people find that any good relationship requires effort and attention.

If the issue of no longer being attracted arises with those who have been dating for a while an easy solution is to end it gracefully and look around for others to date  Some relationships simply have a shelf life. When it’s over it’s over. No harm, no foul.

In the case of committed folks I think it’s important to remain erotically connected to some degree. That they are no longer feel attracted to their partner is the crux of most people’s complaints. “She/he is a nice person but….” A quote that struck me by Dr. Anna Stubblefield: “If somebody has an interesting, engaging mind and good heart and a beautiful soul, that is transformative.  It shows through and you love the person.  And so you love being close to them, and you love the body that they’re in, because that’s the body that they have.”

I feel that most of us need to work on the relationship we have – to consciously accept the new body shape our aging mate acquires, to ignore daily irritations, not to sigh in resignation when our partner tells that story one more time. What counterbalances those annoyances and may take an effort is a daily appreciation of who and what this person him or herself is – her genuine love of people, his gentleness – in other words, their attractive qualities.

Setting aside old resentments for a moment and take a good look at your mate.  If you were meeting for the first time and were thrust together, on a blind date perhaps or in a close working relationship, how would you evaluate this person?  What are the strong points, the attractive features?  Often naming them can spark something of the old attraction and it’s possible to build from there.

Remember what attracted you to your mate – physically or otherwise.  What traits, what characteristics?  Are some of those not still there in some form?  Intelligence, sense ofhumor? Focus on them.  Notice that her smile is still intact, his well-shaped legs, although you may not have really looked at them in some time.  Remember the warm feelings you had when you first discovered them and focus on recapturing that sensation.

Another good exercise to revive feelings of love and attraction is to “act as if.”  No matter how flat the old excitement has become, begin the flirtation and courting actions which happened naturally in the past.  Paying compliments to someone you really haven’t looked at in a while or bringing small gifts, hanging out together a bit more, offering invitations of any kind will probably get some surprising reactions…often they are quite pleasant surprises. Try doing something new together – take dancing lessons or learn a new language.  Sharing any new endeavor creates and ignites a sense of bonding.

Briefly then, what’s necessary is to rediscover this person anew as well as UNcovering your original feelings of what and why you were attracted way back when. As you do, some of the humdrum may fade away in the process.  I hope it does.  Falling in love, even into “like”, is a delightful feeling, all the more so if it’s with your own mate.

You can read more on this and other sex and relationship topics on my free interactiveSexuality Forum is external).

[Isadora Alman]

Isadora Alman, M.F.T., is a California licensed marriage and relationship therapist, a Board-certified sexologist, author and lecturer. Her syndicated sex and relationship column "Ask Isadora" ran in alternative weekly papers worldwide for 25+ years. Web surfers can find her columns on her online free interactive Sexuality Forum (link is external). She is the author of two collections of Q & A's from columns: Let's Talk Sex and Ask Isadora, as well as Sex Information, May I Help You?, a peek behind the scenes of a sex help phone line which still flourishes in San Francisco today. Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex is a collection of helpful hints and titillating tidbits culled from column readers and Forum web site users. Her novel Bluebirds of Impossible Paradises: A Sexual Odyssey of the 70's is out in paperback on She has also contributed chapters to several books including Herotica (Down There Press), Dick For A Day (Villard NY), The Moment Of Truth (Seal Press) and Single Woman Of A Certain Age (Inner Ocean Publishing, Inc.) Isadora has been a talk show host and frequent TV and radio talk show guest, and a lecturer and workshop leader on a variety of communications topics. She conducts her private psychotherapy practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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