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How To Trust When You Feel You Can’t

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How To Trust When You Feel You Can’t

Learning how to trust others starts with learning to trust yourself

We want to be able to trust others to be honest and reliable. Yet are you honest and reliable with yourself? Do you trust your own inner knowing? You will not be able to trust others until you are trustworthy with yourself.

“I have a hard time trusting people.”
“I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife).”

It is very common for me to hear the above statements from my clients. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It’s about you become a trustworthy person with yourself and learning to trust your inner knowing.

Becoming Trustworthy With Yourself

How often do you promise yourself you are going to do something and then don’t do it? For example, we often promise ourselves to:

  • get the taxes done on time
  • catch up on email, phone calls and other correspondence
  • eat better
  • drink less alcohol
  • stop reckless spending, gambling, or whatever puts us in financial distress
  • stop getting angry
  • stop giving ourselves up
  • lose weight
  • get more exercise
  • get more sleep (or sleep less)
  • get together with friends
  • clean up the house, or clean up the clutter
  • be on time
  • watch less TV or spend less time on the computer
  • meditate or pray
  • take time for ourselves
  • finish a project

… and so on.

If you promise yourself you will do something and then you don’t do it, you are not being trustworthy with yourself. This would be like promising a child something and then not doing it. Eventually the child would learn not to trust you.

The same applies with your inner child. If you promise yourself that you will take care of yourself in some way and then you don’t do it, your inner child learns that there is no loving inner adult to trust. Since many of us project onto others our own inner issues, it is likely that if you are not trustworthy with yourself, you will project untrustworthiness onto others. You will continue to distrust others as long as you are not behaving in a trustworthy way with yourself and with others.

Trusting Your Intuition – Your Inner Knowing

Many of us grew up with parents who did not trust our feelings and perceptions. We might have been told that what we felt and what we experienced was wrong. Some examples:

Mother: Put on a jacket. It’s cold outside.
Child: I’m not cold.
Mother: You’re just a child. What do you know? Now put on a jacket.

Mother: Go give your Uncle George a kiss.
Child: No, I don’t like Uncle George. He’s creepy.
Mother: Of course you like Uncle George. Now go give him a kiss.

Child: My teacher is really mean to me.
Father: I’m sure your teacher is very nice. If your teacher is mean to you, it must be your fault.

Child: Daddy, why are you angry at me?
Father: I’m not angry.

After a while, we learn to discount and mistrust our feelings and perceptions. We learn to give our authority away to our parents and other adults, deciding that others must know more about what we feel, want and perceive than we do. We abandon our inner knowing and stop trusting ourselves.

I have worked with many people who felt deeply betrayed by someone, only to discover in the course of our work together than they had betrayed themselves by not listening to themselves. I often hear statements such as:

“I knew when we first met that Darren was lying to me about his money situation, but I didn’t listen to myself. I believed him instead of believing myself, and now I’m stuck with all this debt.”

“I had a feeling that Lana was having affairs even before we got married but I didn’t listen to myself. The last thing I ever wanted was to be divorced with children.”

We can often feel in our body what is true and what is untrue, yet many of us don’t listen to these inner messages. Instead, we put our trust in others and then feel betrayed when others let us down. When we choose to listen to and trust our own inner voice rather than give our power away to others, we will no longer put ourselves in positions to be used and betrayed.

How often have you ignored yourself when something didn’t feel right, only to later discover that you really did know that something wasn’t right? How often have you heard the voice of your inner or Higher Self and discounted it, only to regret it later?

Your trust issues with others will be resolved when you develop a consistent bonding/” title=”View all articles about Inner Bonding here”>Inner Bonding practice and learn to become a trustworthy adult with yourself – following through on what you say you will do – and trusting your inner knowing. It will be harder for others to get away with unloving acts toward you when you learn to trust yourself.

[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]


CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

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