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Follow These Principles to Find Mr. Right

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Follow These Principles to Find Mr. Right

Focus on these five principles to find Mr. Right

Five Principles for Finding Mr.Right

Forget “The Rules,” stop believing “He’s just not into you” and skip the rest of the self-help confusion that will instruct you on how to morph yourself into the perfect match to attract Mr. Right. People who are genuinely happy with their romantic choices spend more energy working on their own self-development than on appearing a certain way to attract love. Instead of focusing on playing the game to entice a future marital partner, put your attention on these five principles and, over time, the right match for you will present itself.

1. Separate Psychologically From Your Parents: This is no easy task and many think they have done so when, in reality, they have not. As an adult, if you continue to allow your parents to meet all of your emotional needs then you siphon off some of the energy that needs to go into your romantic attachments. As much as possible, little by little, work to be independent of your parents. This does not mean you can’t enjoy their company, spend time with them and share what you wish with them about your life. But, it does mean, work to become comfortable making your own decisions. Excessively asking for their opinion, reassurance, guidance or allowing them to control your life means you are not living for yourself. In addition, if you allow your parents to continually do the heavy lifting for your own life, then you will not be a whole person when the right match presents itself. Entering into a romantic relationship believing that the person is going to take care of you in the way parents typically do, can turn a healthy match into a toxic one. You have to be in control of your own life, self-aware of your goals, needs and emotions.

2. Understand Yourself Sexually and Emotionally: If you have not done the work to understand yourself emotionally and sexually, you will enter romantic relationships from an emotionally dependent place. You may have the unrealistic hope that someone else will know how to understand you and how to make you happy–even when you, yourself, may not know. Directly communicating to your partners about your emotions and sexual side is important. Hoping others will intuitively perceive who you are emotionally and what you need sexually is a fantasy. The reality is if you do not know yourself on an emotional and sexual level, then it becomes very hard for people who are close to you to understand who you are and what you need. Make a conscious effort to become aware of your ongoing emotional reactions to the people and events in your life. Observe and label your emotional reactions. Reflect on your feelings and talk with people about how you feel or what you are noticing about yourself, without expecting them to put you back together again.

3. Avoid Sextimacy: As I describe in my book,  Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy, Sextimacy is a cycle of working to achieve emotional intimacy through hastened sex. If you are hoping that a sexual relationship will eventually lead to a more emotionally intimate or committed relationship, cease and desist. Research shows relationships that start with sex before emotional intimacy is present typically do not become committed unions. You will spend your time hoping and working to get someone to change or ‘step up to the plate’ when you could be putting your energy into growing as a person and finding someone who likes the person you have become.

4. Put Yourself In New Situations: A popular idea holds that in order to find the right partner one must first work alone on self-improvement—‘I just need to do me for a while.’ In my experience, when women do this they banish themselves to an arbitrary exile, where they feel sad and out of touch. With such a vague goal of ‘working on myself,’ enlightenment eludes and isolation compounds the misery. Work on yourself through developing greater emotional and sexual self-awareness. At the same time, you need new relationships with romantic partners and friends to truly know yourself. Each dating experience provides you with in-the-moment information about your preferences, weaknesses and strengths. If you continue to think and do the same things that you have always thought and experienced, you will remain stuck. Your brain has an extraordinary ability to adapt and grow if you allow it. The catch is– for the brain to grown you have to give it new stimulation, new experiences that challenge you on some level. Perhaps there are things that you like or have wanted to try but have been afraid to do so. As long as it reflects a genuine interest, work through the anxiety and put yourself in novel situations where you may meet different kinds of people and experience other aspects of your personality.

5. Believe What People Show and Say about Themselves: It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalize their poor behavior. If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data about whom he is as a person. If you try to talk with him and he dismisses you or rationalizes his mistreatment of you, take this seriously; it means he may not be a suitable match. If a man says he is not looking for “anything serious” or he needs a lot of “space” stop approaching, let him go. This means he is not in the same place you are and may not want the same things you want. Believe what people communicate about themselves, if they are acting immaturely, disrespectfully or directly saying things that hurt you, move on. It is not your job to bring him along or show him a better way; it is your job to work on growing as a person.

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Jill P.Weber , Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships. She specializes in the impact of culture on female identity and relationship development. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a Ph.D. in psychology from American University. She has appeared as a psychology expert in various media outlets, including Nightline, Teen Vogue, Redbook, Family Circle, Seventeen, CNN, Associated Press, U.S. News and World Report and Discovery Channel.

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