Both men and women frequently lie at the beginning of dating, but they lie about different things. In this article, discover the common forms of date lying.
Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dates as I am of how much men lie on dates. So I decided to write about date lying in general.
The man who wrote to me was upset about lies such as “I have to go,” or “I’m busy,” or “I’m on another call right now. I’ll call you back.” He states that, “I think that much of this is women’s very misguided attempt to ‘spare someone’s feelings.’ Reject them, without actually rejecting them.”
In my experience, this is accurate. Women have been trained to not hurt men’s feelings. They have been taught that if the truth will hurt, then tell a “white lie.” And, when they do tell the truth, it is often in a harsh or critical way.
I’ve often counseled women, who don’t want to date a particular man, to say things like, “I don’t feel romantic toward you,” or “There doesn’t seem to be chemistry between us,” or “I’m not feeling a connection with you.” One of my clients told a man who called her for a first date, “Your energy does not feel respectful toward me. I’m not drawn to meet you because of this.” He was open to what she was saying and they ended up having a good conversation. He was appreciative of her truth, and she ended up going out with him.
Since men are usually the ones doing the calling, they are not as often put in the position of saying no. My experience is that men often lie too, but in different ways. For example, a client of mine, a psychotherapist, dated a man who told her he was in therapy. She was pleased to hear this, as personal growth is very important to her. She later discovered that he was in therapy because the court had mandated it due to him having punched his ex-wife in the stomach while she was pregnant. She found this out through the ex-wife. His avoidance of the truth was an attempt to impress her and control how she felt about him.
Men often ‘lie’ by coming on strong, calling a lot, sending flowers—trying to impress a woman. Then, once the woman is ‘hooked’, the attention falls away. The giving wasn’t his normal way of being—he was giving to get. It is well known that many men know exactly what to say to a woman to melt her heart. A man at one of my 5-day intensive workshops, who was married but was addicted to being with other women, revealed how easy it was for him to hook women in, even when they knew he was married. “Women desperately want to be seen and understood. All I have to do is reflect back to the woman the things she wants to hear and I’ve got her. I can see her caring, her intelligence, her creativity, her joy of life, her beauty. I can see what she has to offer that has been squashed down. When I see these things in her, she falls in love with me.” Some of the women in the intensive were drawn to him, even knowing that he was sucking them in! The lie was not what he was saying to them about themselves—it was that he covertly implied he would be available to continue to see, love, nurture and support them, when in reality he had no intention of doing so.
Date lying of many kinds is common for both men and women. Generally, neither men nor women want to ‘hurt’ another person with the truth of how they feel. Both men and woman can turn on the charm at the beginning and seem to be giving and caring, only to turn out to be using the other for their own neediness.
What is the way out of being at the other end of lies? Learn and practice the Inner Bonding process, learning to trust and value yourself so you can stay tuned into your own intuition and speak your truth. Practice Inner Bonding so that you can learn to give yourself the approval and attention that you are trying to get from another, so that you are not so vulnerable to others’ approval or disapproval. And, practice Inner Bonding so that you don’t take it personally when someone does lie to you. Their lie is more about them than it is about you.
CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.