Infatuation, love or good old fashioned lust?
Dear Dr. Love:
After placing an online personal for a mate in my area, and turning down some very compatible females because of distance, I now find myself ‘in love ‘with a California woman who seems to be EVERYTHING I ‘m looking for in a lover. I live in New York, however, and am the survivor of a failed move to California to be with a woman I loved then.
I’ve yet to meet this woman face to face yet, and we are making plans to hook up to see if there is any chemistry. But she insists that she loves me and believes that we are being brought together by God. I tell her I love her, but she doesn’t believe I really do, and frankly, I ‘m afraid that I ‘m in love with the torrid phone sex we’ve had and the many things we have in common. As I get to know her better, I find that many of her spiritual beliefs are not in tune with mine. I have a teenage daughter that lives with me and I promised her when I returned from California the first time that I would never leave her again.
I’ve been alone for so long (six years) that I feel I just may be acting out of desperation. And while I want to see if we can make a monogamous, long-distance relationship work, I also don’t want to get bit by the same dog twice. I told her I ‘m unsure and thought we should either rethink this or ease out of it, but she became very hurt and angry.
Eventually we ‘kissed and made up’ and she understood that I wasn’t ready to pack up and leave for the coast. I have a photo of her that she has sent. She is an absolutely beautiful woman of color, and I am a handsome, yet overweight, white male. I ‘m afraid also that my weight will turn her off, despite her assurance that it wont. I ‘m really in a quandry because I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt her either.
Here’s the kicker. . . we’ve only known each other for two weeks. They say advice is the truth you get from someone else, but don’t want to accept. Tell me, Dr. Love. . . what is your advice?
Thanks in advance,
Mr. All-Mixed-Up
Answer:
You say you are afraid to get ‘bit by the same dog twice.’ I think you mean, you are afraid to fall for someone and be rejected again. Your fears are well-founded. It sounds to me like you confuse love and lust. You’ve known this woman for two weeks and already you think you are in love.
I have a bulletin for you. You can’t be in love so fast. Infatuation, yes. In lust, yes. But in love, no. Because you mistake lust for love, I think you dive into relationships half-cocked, if I may say. By pouring yourself into a relationship before you have had adequate time to determine whether or not the other person is compatible with you, you are setting yourself up to be ‘bit ‘again.
I know you are lonely, and eager to find a new relationship. But, you need to take it slower and protect yourself better. So, before jumping into the saddle again, make sure that you are compatible with the other person (e. g. share similar tastes, values and interests. ) Then, put your toe in the water very slowly. There is much more to love than simple sexual attraction. Try to get it straight in your mind. Lots of luck in finding a true love.
