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Was This Only Revenge Sex?

revenge sex

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Was This Only Revenge Sex?

Revenge sex hurts

This girl and I were talking for a couple of weeks. We went on two dates, in a single week, and we had sex the night of the second date (saturday night). She was very into me. At least thats what she told me, and what she told her friends (we have some mutual friends). Anyways three days after we slept together (Tuesday), I slipped up. I bartend, and a girl I dated for a VERY short period of time came in to visit. And I stayed after my shift and talked to this girl to catch up. Well, at the end of the night we kissed, and word got around to the girl that I am currently seeing. Needless to say, she was not happy with this, and it took me a couple of days to mend the situation and convince her that I do like her a lot, and that I wasn’t pursuing anything that night with the girl that kissed me (which is true). Apparently that whole situation made her feel unwanted. We were not on good terms again until Friday night, a week after we slept together. Well, she wanted me to see her that night, but being a bartender I wanted to go home and get some sleep before I had to work on Saturday, so I went home. Well that night, around 3 am she called me wanting to come over, I told her no bc I had to be up in just a couple of hours. Well she never came over, and that night she slept with a guy that she used to talk to, at a party that they were both at. I didn’t find out until Sunday when her cousin (who is a mutual friend) told me. I was furious, prior to this I thought things were going to start heading into a positive direction and I was ready to fully commit. And to make things worse, that night I went out with my friends to a bar, and she happened to walk in after us with her girlfriends. We didn’t speak, but she did have guilt, and maybe even regret in her eyes when I walked past her, I saw pain in her eyes….. IDK what to do. I really liked her,and even now I can’t stop thnking of her, and even though we weren’t official, and we weren’t committed to each other, I just feel like I have been cheated on. The thing that really bothers me, is that she did all this after she told me that she didn’t want me to see anybody else other than her. So she wanted to be exclusive. Granted this was before the Tuesday night incident.. Do you think that I should be able to forgive and forget, and give the relationship a chance? Or should I just forget and move on? Is it partly my fault bc of what happened on Tuesday? What would be a womans motive in an incident like this? Signed by: confused frustrated and sad man needs insight

Answer:

What a mess. This girl acted on her feelings big time. Instead of telling you that she felt hurt that you kissed your ex, she went ahead and slept with another guy.

This is why we need to put our feelings into words, not actions. As I always say, putting our negative feelings into action is relationship destructive in that the action triggers a counter-reaction. In your case, you didn’t pay her back for sleeping with this other guy, but the relationship is definitely on this ice.

First off, she should have told you how she felt when you kissed the other girl. And she should have also told you how she felt when you declined her offer to come over.

Instead, she just screwed someone else, and screwed you in the process.

If you want to be with this girl–and I have serious concerns that she’s mature enough to form and maintain a relationship–then go talk to her.

Tell her that you suspect that she has feelings about the recent turn of events that have occurred. Notice, I’m using neutral language.

Then you could say that you heard through the grapevine that she found out that your ex came by and kissed you goodbye. You suspect that this hurt her feelings, and made her think that you aren’t to be trusted.

Then when you told her you didn’t want her to come over because you had to sleep, you further suspect that you hurt her feelings. You can say that you know that she knows that you know (that’s a mouthful) that she slept with another guy. When you saw her at the party, you saw what looked like a guilty regretful expression.

You can then be real and admit that you were very upset, sad, hurt (whatever you feel) over this news because you really like and were hoping to be exclusive.

Then ask her if it’s not too late for you both to try again.

If she says she’s willing, then I would say that before you become involved you want to establish an agreement that you both talk about your feelings rather than act them out.

At this point, you could say that you had the feeling that she slept with the other guy to punish you for the kiss (and maybe also punish you for not having her over). Ask her if that’s true.

Then get her to tell you exactly what she did feel. Then tell her that you want to be open like this from now on.

I’ve given you the blueprint for getting back together and for keeping the relationship going strong.

I hope she’s mature enough to get on board and that you both use your mouths for more than just kissing!

Author’s Books

Known to millions as “Dr. Love” through her website AskDrLove.com, Dr. Turndorf founded the web’s first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure.

Dr. Turndorf’s multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, “Ask Dr. Love,” can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled “We Can Work it Out,” is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years.

Dr. Turndorf’s methods have been featured on national television networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1 and Fox, and on websites such as WebMD, iVillage, Discovery.com, MSNBC.com. She has also been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire.

Dr. Turndorf’s latest Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, has been endorsed by New York Times bestselling authors Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw.

Since the recent death of Emile Jean Pin, her beloved husband of 27 years, Dr. Turndorf has discovered that relationships do not end in death. His miraculous manifestations, often in front of witnesses, have proven to her that there is life after life and love never dies.

As a result of her experiences, Dr. Turndorf has developed a groundbreaking form of grief therapy that diverges from the traditional Western approach (grieve, let go and move on). By contrast, her method guides people to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with their departed loved ones. Her latest Hay House book on this topic is entitled Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased.

To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased.

For Free Gift details or to receive a sneak peek of Love Never DIes, visit the book page: http://askdrlove.com/page/love-never-dies-how-reconnect-and-make-peace-deceased.

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