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Are We Desperate For Love?

desperate for love

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Are We Desperate For Love?

Ok well first off I am gay. I just wanna know if we actually belong to each other or are just desperate for love. I don\’t really know where to start so I\’ll start off by telling you his name. His name is Mike. We\’ve known each other for almost all our lives and we grew up with each other in a bad neighborhood and we fought together, played together, went to school together and eventually started to kiss and make out and now sex between us is normal.

But we\’re not in an actual relationship, we both agree to that. It\’s just…we\’re complicated. So we say we belong to each other and are territorial. But ya see I\’m like one of those guys who can\’t be tied down. I hate, I mean hate, being tied down to something. I need my freedom. So since we\’re not in an actual relationship I go and sleep with other men. Matt knows I do but he also know they\’re all either friends with benefit or one night stands.

Mike always knew I came back to him at the end of the night. I would always come back to him. But eventually Mike got jealous and angry and began sleeping with others as well, and one really pissed me off. There\’s this girl and we argue a lot. We\’re competitive of each other and we had a argument you see about who was sexier(it was a joke at first but then kinda got outta hand, don\’t laugh please) so I used Mike to my defense and she uses a few guys as well.

Then a few nights later I hear of Mike sleeping with her! I got pissed to say the least. Mike told me I was over reacting but I didn\’t think so. So out of anger I did one thing I only ever did with Mike and went out on a date with another guy that I tease and mess around with a lot. Mike heard about this and got angry. I said it was the same and he told me it was different because what he and she did was just another one night stand. I refused to think like that and we had our first big fight, It ended with me going over and apologizing in the sappiest way ever. We then comforted each other and everything got better again.

We make each other jealous either on purpose or on accident then we always run back to make it up to the other. We comfort each other and say we love each other more then anyone else and that possession thing just got stronger. We fight, make up, comfort each other, have sex, then go back to fighting(though friendly at first, it gets gradually worse). But the thing is we only open up to each other and trust each other completely but we hurt each other in a way no one else can, in a way that if anyone else did we would probably beat the shit outta the person.

When we hurt each other like this we forgive and move on. We can always forgive and move on no matter how bad the fights get. We tried moving on at one point but we always come back to each other and I just need to know. Are we compatible or not?

 

It sounds to me like you two are very compatible but also that you both have an excellent chance of messing it all up. When I read your message, a few hackneyed but appropriate phrases popped into my hear. I remember a few years ago someone saying to me “You want to have your cake and eat it.” To which I relied, “Why not?” Most men (but perhaps not all women) have the fantasy that we would like to have a stable partner with whom we could have sex on a regular basis but also be free to have sex with others whenever we feel like it. In heterosexual relationships, most men do not actually believe they are doing anything wrong, although they do realise that if they are found out, the punishment is way out of all proportion to the supposed “crime”.

You and Mike are a long way past that, though. Yes, it was you who started dabbling first and Mike did not like it. Mike then started his own extra curricular activities, probably in retaliation, and you really did not like it. But neither of you want to be tied down (you just want each other to be tied down!) and why should you? The real key to lasting relationships is whether you actually LIKE the other person and in the long term, that is even more important than loving. (Lots of people love someone they do not like!).

You and Mike do seem to like one another and if (a BIG if) you can get over and survive your jealousies and insecurities, you are well on the way to having the sort of relationship that most people can only fantasise about. My guess is that if I had you both in the same room, neither of you would put much effort into defending double standards although that is what you are both currently exercising. You both want the freedom to do your own thing but are not all that happy when the other does. You both believe that what you do outside of your base relationship is no threat to the stability of what you have and unless you get into more and more jealous fights, you are probably right.

Back to liking. What is inevitable is that in any relationship the frequency and intensity of sex declines. The trouble is it does not usually decline at the same rate or at the same time for both partners and that is something that triggers doubt, insecurity and finally, hostility. What you must do, is value your long standing friendship and above all, make your partner feel secure. That means never denigrating each other to new sexual partners or ever coming home and favourably comparing a new lover with either of you. I and you, know may couple, both gay and straight, who have stopped being regular lovers but are firm in a loving relationship. Nobody ever left someone else just for better sex on its own.

Let me advise you to treat your other lovers with respect, as well. Unless you have an explicit contract for a night of down and dirty sex, you will be likely to see other people again, as you clearly are doing. You may well be able to have other committed relationships although these others must understand that you are not in the market for an alternative relationship.

Mostly they will understand this although they will inevitably want to form a relationship, like you have with Mike, of their own at some time. So, look after one another; don’t let jealousy and insecurity mess things up and you will end up with a committed but free relationship which will be the envy of everyone you know. And think on this; sex is much easier to find than long lasting friends. A few years ago, I was in a similar situation to your own and although it was indeed a bit scary at the outset, my partner commented that I always came back. So the final phrase for you to think on is “That which does not kill you makes you stronger!”

Timothy

 

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Timothy has extensive organisational experience gained in both the public and private sectors. During the course of his career, Timothy has held senior management positions with the Montague L Meyer Group, Polaroid (UK) Limited, Geest Industries, United Business Media and the Tootal Group. He has been Principal Advisor to the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (ACAS) where he was responsible for a major survey into the London Ambulance Service. He is consultant psychologists to a number of recruitment and outplacement companies and a tutor in Strategic Management on the Open University Business School MBA programme. Timothy is considered to be one of the most experienced and insightful assessment psychologists in the UK, He works extensively with senior managers both individually and as part of high performance team building programmes. He is a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society (BPS), a Founding Principal of the Association of Business Psychologists (ABP) and a member of the US Organisation Development Network.

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