I know now how I could have loved you then. Maia Sharp
Maybe you’re wishing you could undo destructive words and deeds in your current love relationship.
Maybe you’re pondering the question proposed by Michael Cunningham in By Nightfall:” How miserable would you have to get to be able to bear the actual separation, to go off and live your life so utterly unrecognized?” Which, for many, leads to hoping for another chance at love in the form of a new, more suitable partner.
Or maybe you’re wishing for another chance with an old love, your regrets summed up in Maia Sharp’s lyrics: “I know now how I could have loved you then.”
Without a doubt, frequent errors of commission and omission undermine partners’ confidence in their relationship. Eventually, accumulated transgressions weaken the bond of love. Unless, we believe in do-overs!
Self-responsible love do-over
First and foremost, this is not about simply giving your partner another chance or about your partner giving you another chance. That’s already been tried – repeatedly – without lasting satisfaction. There is only one type of do-over that leads to relationship enhancement – the self-responsible love do-over.
This is about doing-over your responses to your loved one! Claiming the freedom to transform your thoughts about your partner. Re-shape your expectations. Revamp your dark moods and insecurities. Transform your behaviors, too. Away from thoughtless reactions motivated by negative emotions to thoughtful gestures motivated by love.
If your partner’s behavior is abusive, you must take responsibility to rescue yourself.
Self-responsible love do-overs are accomplished with deliberate practice. Start by taking inventory of your own
With persistence, you modify your brain, increase your repertoire of constructive thoughts and behaviors. If individuals claim the freedom to do-over their own thoughts and behaviors, love relationships benefit.
Ultimate love do-over
The ultimate love do-over is, of course, one in which both partners adopt the self-responsible approach. This focuses each partner on commanding his or her own thoughts and behaviors – not his or her spouse’s – which produces that “I know now how I could have loved you then” perspective. You not only see your past errors but also see how you can constructively modify your behavior in the future. If both partners claim the freedom to do-over their own thoughts and behaviors, love relationships thrive.
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