Dear Uncle Slash,
I’m a sexy, outspoken, enormously progressive artsy-type metrosexual devoutly agnostic Jewish male with a good income, respect in the community and a level of verbal acuity seldom seen in small town Republican America. In short, I am the quintessential mensch.
Why then don’t I ever get asked to church socials, or get invited to the local Lutheran church for Sunday supper? When I walk into the K of C hall people stare at me like I just stepped out of an interstellar travel machine of some sort. Same when I show up at the VFW hall.
Should i give up trying to be loved (or even liked) by the good folks who elected Michelle Bachman to Congress, or its there something I’m doing wrong and can change? Please help this lonely bald Jewish Adonis find happiness. Thanks for listening.
Dear Metro Adonis,
In my quest to resolve similar feelings I’ve sought answers (with a vice-like vengeance) in unusual ways, often referencing the Mayan calendar, the Chinese zodiac, Rudolph Steiner’s bio-dynamic calendar, the Ephemeral chart, the Old Farmer’s Almanac, the western zodiac, the Moon phase chart, Chinese fortune cookies, and even the Magic 8 Ball.
And so, Metro Adonis, I have consulted my battery powered Yoda (the same one with one green ear that was chewed off by my nephew during a temper tantrum in 2004) on your behalf, hoping you’ll glean wisdom from this third-person epiphany. In my estimation, Yoda’s advice to you remains as pure, true and as magical as what you’d expect coming from a guy giving free advice on an internet dating site.
“There are two things you should know about yourself,” Yoda says. “One, you are susceptible to hallucinogens. Don’t do them. Two, your chemical makeup gives you a predisposition toward extreme, surreal, and dramatic situations.
Quite simply, you are wired for intensity and inconsistency. If you don’t become an EMT with a dreadlocked comb-over, an army medic who builds a sequined outhouse, or the on-call manager of a suicide prevention hotline in NYC, I suggest you do something with your life where you can channel this energy.”
Actually, you sort of remind me of Sam Walton, the guy who created Walmart. When I asked Yoda about this similarity he agreed that you are both senior partners in some sort of cosmic architecture firm run by Cupid.
Referencing my comment, Yoda went onto say, “Mr. Walton created a place where people could fall in love with crappy stuff. Stuff they never thought they needed, stuff that falls apart, stuff that doesn’t last, stuff that has a complicated return policy—a waking dream where fulfillment, consistency, and permanency are shelved directly beside the illusion of fulfillment, consistency, and permanency.”
And so, there you have it, Metro Adonis. Take the penny if you need it and leave a penny in the ashtray for the next person if you have one….and, oh yeah, “May the Schwartz be with you.”