Relationship advice needed for abandoned college girl
I am a 19 year old 1st year college girl and I really need your relationship advice. I have like NO luck with guys at all. I am a really great person, I have never had sex, I am waiting for the right guy I guess. I am pretty attractive, I have been told many times.
I get into relationships with guys and I try not to fall for them too fast because I know that they will end up hurting me. They treat me great and I get hooked, once I do, they dump me! I haven’t had a ‘serious’ relationship for more than 3 months. I was however ‘seeing’ a guy for almost a year. I just don’t know what is wrong with me, I treat the guys I am with great. I am a sweet and caring person.
What am I doing wrong!?! I need to know why the guys I date end up to be jerks. Am I a jerk magnet? Well, please help! Thank you!-Signed by:Why Me?
Yes, you do need relationship advice! My first piece of advice is to tell you that all your relationships sound scripted. Like you know the beginning, middle and end before you turn the first page of a relationship. And, because you are sure of the outcome, you avoid getting attached, because you know that you will end up being hurt and rejected, again.
Whenever you find yourself playing out a script, or caught in a repetitive scenario, there is only one reason why this is happening. The mind is replaying some core scene of childhood that hasn’t been healed.
So, you need to find out what childhood trauma is being replayed for you. It sounds like you are reliving an abandonment theme. Someone made you trust him (or her) then rejected you.
To figure out your specific Old Scar, think back to what hurt most when you when you were young. If you need help, use my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) http://www.drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship. I have an entire chapter where I list every Old Scar from childhood and show you how that Old Scar plays itself out in our adult relationships.
After you dentify your Old Scar, next we need to figure out what healing you need. Sometimes the replaying of a past wound is the mind’s way of exorcising the bad feelings. By reliving the painful feelings of the past, feelings weaken until they are fully worked through.
Mostly, the mind wishes to replay the past in order to achieve the Happy Ending that I talk so often about. Your Happy Ending as a child would have most likely been that parent sticking around rather than walking out. Your Happy Ending now would be finding a boyfriend who sticks around and doesn’t reject or abandon you.
It’s important that you is to stop replaying the old abandonment theme in real life, where the stakes are higher and each new abandonment adds insult to injury and drives the wound deeper inside you.
I suggest you take a break from dating for now and enter therapy. In good therapy, you will have the opportunity to replay the abandonment feelings and obtain the Happy Ending with a therapist who doesn’t leave you.
When you are healed, you will be acutely aware of the people that you choose to date. You will not only be able to read the clues and pick out abandoners. (You already seem to sense from the beginning that the people you are choosing are abandoners.) but you will also be ready to avoid these people.
Again, I encourage you to have no relationships until you work this issue out in therapy. Being alone is better than being abandoned again and again.
Lots of luck. You sound lovely and worthy of a love that sticks around.
Let me know how you make out.