How Much Would You  Risk to Find Love Online?

Laurence Woolf’s piece about finding love online is far too timid and pessimistic. And timid is certain to lead to disappointment. Worrying about whether or not £9.99 is too much to risk to find your perfect partner is hardly a recipe for success. Learning the right techniques is a matter of trial and error but there is nothing to lose and with the right degree of persistence and determination there is someone for everybody. A great many someones, actually.

Most Pitfalls are Imagined

Most of the so called pitfalls are fantasies about what “could” rather than does happen. There are loads of winners and those who do not find success will talk about being disappointed by the, usually, one person they have met without ever considering that they might also disappoint. The disappointed never seem to consider the alternatives.

Match Making Friends Not Needed

Even ten years ago those in their middle years who split up but wanted to find a new relationship would have had to rely on well meaning friends inviting us to the occasional dinner party where they had also invited a “suitable” other who would struggle to ignite our juices. Through the wonders of the computer we are able to look for love online and meet lots of potential partners and the worst that is likely to happen is a boring evening.

Seeking Love Online is Mostly Fun

In ten years of looking for love online I have only had one boring evening. The woman in question told me that I was the tenth man she had met and none of them had wanted to see her again. If she had managed to stop prattling on for a split second I might have been able to tell her why! On many occasions I have spent an evening with someone I know I would never see again but still had an interesting evening.

Honesty The Best Policy

Sure, people do not always tell the truth in their online dating profiles but this is not usually to deceive it is rather through the insecurity of thinking that they would be rejected if they portrayed their real selves but that given a chance they could be liked if the other person actually met them. The trouble is that this is a terrible strategy. On meeting for the first time it is always better to be pleasantly surprised than bitterly disappointed. It is a long haul back to retrieve a situation from bitterly disappointed. I always describe myself as an ugly old frog and crap in bed and even though both may be true, it seems to work a treat.

Activity Speaks Louder Than Words

The other big mistake made by the disappointed is to not recognise that they are talking to a computer. Just because you make contact on line does not mean you have any right to expect the person who has contacted you not to have other irons in the fire. The best way is to contact lots of people. Most will not reply. With some you cannot get beyond banal one liners. With some you will strike up an interesting dialogue and there is no point meeting unless you have something to say to one another on line in the first place. You just have to wait to see who drops through the filter.

Select the People Who Meet Your Requirements

Some who look promising may fall away or meet someone else but others will creep up and delight you. Laurence is quite right to say that the more details and conditions you list the fewer matches you will get but surely that is the whole point of using the computer and going for what you want however strange, rare or even unreasonable that might be. By the time you have listed your own qualities and demands you will have eliminated about 98% of those on the dating site anyway but you will still end up with hundreds of people, some of whom you might like and some of whom might like you.

Beware of Disappointed Pessimists

So do not listen to any of the disappointed pessimists who have given up after sticking a tentative toe in the pond. Looking for love online is for the fast moving rather than the tentative but there are a lot more people doing it than you would think and lots of people finding themselves in stimulating and exciting relationships.

© Copyright 2013 Timothy St.Ather, BA, MBA, MSc, FCIPD, AFBPS, C.Psychol., All rights Reserved.
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Timothy has extensive organisational experience gained in both the public and private sectors. During the course of his career, Timothy has held senior management positions with the Montague L Meyer Group, Polaroid (UK) Limited, Geest Industries, United Business Media and the Tootal Group. He has been Principal Advisor to the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (ACAS) where he was responsible for a major survey into the London Ambulance Service. He is consultant psychologists to a number of recruitment and outplacement companies and a tutor in Strategic Management on the Open University Business School MBA programme. Timothy is considered to be one of the most experienced and insightful assessment psychologists in the UK, He works extensively with senior managers both individually and as part of high performance team building programmes. He is a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society (BPS), a Founding Principal of the Association of Business Psychologists (ABP) and a member of the US Organisation Development Network.