A lack of focus probably means it’s time for you to check for ADHD and ADD
Coping with the many challenges that you face in trying to keep up with the many to-do’s of modern day-to-day living can prove difficult. If you have ADD (attention deficit disorder) or ADHD (attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity), handling the normal demands of life with consistent competence becomes all the more challenging. Your marriage and relationships may suffer(link is external) too.
What is ADD? It is a deficit in the brain mechanisms and chemistry that control attention, that is, ability to sustain your focus. Think of attention as being like a lamp, like a desk lamp or headlights. To be helpful, your lamp needs to be able to direct focused light to the exact spot where you need it. A focused light does not get dissipated all over the room like fog headlights dissipate light over a broad area. It sheds light just where the light is needed. In addition, the lamp needs to be able to hold steady, not keep bounding about or falling down limply so that the illumination is unable to stay on the spot you are trying to see.
ADD is not about intelligence; it’s only about the ability to sustain focused attention, like a desk lamp that shines a steady light on what you are trying to read or see clearly. If your attention mechanism is not in full working order, you will be like someone who is trying to read with a desk lamp that spreads the light either too broadly or on too small an area. Or like someone with a desk lamp with a broken joint so the lamp keeps falling away from the spot that you are trying to see.
Alas, far too many people struggle through life with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD. In this case you would struggle like a person with poor eyesight but no glasses would struggle and yet still not be able to see clearly, read, or drive safely. A person with vision limiatations may be well-intended, but without glasses to correct for the vision deficit, clear sight is not an option for them. The equivalent to glasses for ADD is medication.
My specialty is prescriptions without medications. My prescription without medication if you tend to get scattered is to evaluate yourself for ADD. You can begin by searching online for a free self-assessment. If that assessment looks positive, then seek out a professional evaluation from a psychologist, other mental health professional or physician who has been trained to do this assessment.
If the answer to your ADD assessments however turns out to be yes, then medication IS appropriate, just like glasses are appropriate for correction of vision disorders.
Likewise, if you have a spouse who never seems quite on top of his/her life and frequently seems to let you down by not getting things done, check out if undiagnosed adult ADD or ADHD might be the culprit. I have had cases where curing the ADD eliminated virtually all of the marital difficulties. And the work problems and self-image challenges as well.
Here’s comments from adults after realizing that ADD had been causing their or their spouse’s inabilities to keep their home orderly, stay on top of their work responsibilities, and be a reliable marriage partner. They are from “The Pain of Undiagnosed ADHD in Adult Relationships(link is external)“, an article by Melissa Orlov on the goodtherapy.org website:
My husband is completely competent and charming, a nice guy, well loved, liked and respected and to most, would show no signs of ADHD…. The pain I have suffered is at times a genuine loss of self, the self blame for the issues, the years of sadness and isolation and confusion. Knowing my husband has ADHD allows me so much relief from these emotions and affords a way forward. Our lives are 100% transformed to the positive as a result.
And from an ADD sufferer:
I can’t explain how happy and yet how sad I am to realize I probably have undiagnosed adult ADHD. I’m 44 years old, female, and married for 15 years. My husband and I have had absolutely heartbreaking conflict for about 14 years…. he would say it’s because I’m not helping him enough and he can’t stand how messy I am. … I can’t regulate myself well enough to maintain an attractive appearance. I often do not eat or sleep the same hours, and I usually am unbathed, undressed and a total wreck, but with some minimal efforts to work at home or help.
… my impairment is so profound and affecting so many areas of my life, from my personal health and hygiene to my ability to have transportation or earn income…Pardon me for rambling. I do that a lot. People with ADHD are not lazy or evil. But they easily provoke negativity from others. You have no idea how painful it is to be treated like a black sheep by your family, rejected by your peers, and then go on to have painful conflicts that never end in your marriage…
Again, the prescription: check out ADD if you think you have mental focusing difficulties. Then, if the evaluation’s answer is yes, remember that like glasses for a person with vision problems, ADD meds can give you dramatically helpful assistance. They aren’t perfect; they do sometimes incur side effects. Overall though, they definitely merit a try.
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Clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, PhD specializes in rescuing couples from marital difficulties. To get her help indirectly via a fun interactive website, check out PowerOfTwoMarriage.com(link is external).
