10 Easy Steps For A Remarkably Good Relationship

10 Easy Steps For A Remarkably Good Relationship

Radical Change Occurs When You Overcome Your Listening Disorder.

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Dr. Lerner is one of the world’s most respected voices in the psychology of women and family relationships. She is the author of 11 books published in 35 languages. These include The Dance of Intimacy, Marriage Rules, and The Dance of Anger,a New York Times bestseller that has helped rescue men and women from the swamps and quicksands of difficult relationships. Dr. Lerner hosts a blog for Psychology Today.

Do you have a good relationship with everybody you know? The following ten steps will help you to forge a good relationship with anybody

Practicing these ten steps will change everything, whether your most difficult relationship is with your mother, spouse, sister, best friend, or child.

 1. Say as your mantra, “Listening well is the ultimate spiritual act.”  

Remember that how you listen defines how your relationship goes, and whether the other person is happy to see you or not.

2. Don’t just do something. Stand there!

When the other person shares a problem, they are not inviting you to fix it, or give advice. Practice just listening.

 3. Stay Curious: You don’t know how she or he  feels. 

Be curious about the other person’s experience. Don’t eclipse the specificity of his or her story, with a story of your own. (“I know just how you feel because, because I remember how scared I was before my gall bladder surgery”).

 4. Forget About Being Right.

Leave room for two different realities, without trying to change, fix, or convince him.. Foster a collaborative spirit rather than a competitive debate.

 5. Check yourself for defensiveness.

Defensiveness is normal and universal. It is also the arch enemy of listening. It will reduce the listening part of the human brain to the size of a pinto bean.

 6. Breathe.

Defensiveness is in the body so calm yourself anyway you can.

 7. Don’t interrupt, argue, or make your case.

Think of having two conversations. Tell yourself, “In this conversation, I will only listen and try to understand.” I can share my differences in the next conversation.

 8. Become an expert questioner:

Ask questions to help clarify the other person’s point of view and to show you care aboutunderstanding her. Asking for specifics is not the same thing as nitpicking or cross-examining. Don’t act like a lawyer even if you are one.

 9. Try the “ultimate listening experiment”

Challenge yourself and surprise your partner by inviting the very conversation you most dread. (Her worries about your son, her anger about the unfair division of labor) Set up a “meeting time” to listen when you’re free of distraction and have good intentions. Tell her in advance you’re there only to hear everything about what she’s upset or angry about.

 10. Draw the line at insults.

Listening with an open heart is not the same as allowing yourself to be demeaned or badly treated.

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