3 Ingredients To Make The Right Person For You
Margaret Paul. Ph.D
Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.
Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.
Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.
Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.
In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.
Latest posts by Margaret Paul. Ph.D (see all)
- Is Self-Blame Preventing Your Conflict Resolution? - Jun 11, 2015
- Surprisingly You Can Practice Self-Love By Being Loving To Others - Jun 11, 2015
- What Do Men And Women Want From A Committed Relationship And Why? - Jun 8, 2015
How can you know if this is the right person with whom to spend your life? In this article, discover how to answer this question.
“How will I know when I meet the right person?”
I often hear this question in my counseling practice. The answer is fairly complex.
There are two different reasons that people have for wanting to get married:
- To get love, validation, security and safety
- To share love and to grow emotionally and spiritually
If you feel insecure and alone, you are likely to look for someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give you the love you are seeking. You may want to find someone who will complete you and make you feel adequate and worthy.
The problem is that no one can do this for you – it is something you need to learn to do for yourself. Since we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a person looking to get love will attract a person also looking to get love. Each person hopes to get filled from the other, not realizing that each feels empty and really has nothing to give. Therefore, no one is the right person when the intent of getting married is to get love and security rather than to share love and learning.
Instead of asking the question, “Is this the right person for me?” why not ask, “Am I being the right person?” Am I being a person who comes to a relationship filled with love to share, or am I being a needy person hoping to get love and validation?
The main reason that many relationships don’t work is because each person is disappointed in not getting what they expected to get from the other person. But when individuals do not know how to love and validate themselves and create an inner sense of safety and security, they certainly can’t do this for another person. Yet this is what each person expects of the other.
It is fairly easy to know if this is the right person for you, when your intent in being in a relationship is to learn together and share love. A person who comes from a full place within finds it easy to discern when someone is empty inside, and will not be attracted to the empty person. People who are truly open to learning about themselves, to growing emotionally and spiritually, to taking responsibility for their own feelings of safety and security, worth and lovability, will not be attracted to a person who is closed, controlling, and just wants to get love.
Knowing if this is the right person for you does not happen instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a person is who they say they are. You cannot really know who a person is until you have conflict and find out what this person does in conflict. Some people can appear very open and loving until a conflict comes up and then they get angry, withdraw, resist or comply, rather than stay open to learning about themselves and the other person. An important question is, how does this person deal with conflict and how long does it take them to open up if they do close in the face of conflict?
Since none of us enter relationships fully healed, it is very important to know that your partner is willing to explore conflict, rather than just protect against it with controlling behavior. Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are a person who is open to learning and wants a relationship in order to share love, there are three essential ingredients that need to be present for the person to be the right person for you:
- There needs to be a basic spark of attraction. If you do not feel physically attracted to this person within the first six months of the relationship, the chances are this attraction will not develop.
- Each of you needs to be capable of caring, compassion, empathy and acceptance for who each of you are.
- Both of you need to be open to learning in conflict, rather than just wanting to win and be right.
Other ingredients, such as common interests and values, are also important, but without the above three ingredients, they will not sustain the relationship.
Find out how Inner Bonding has helped singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love>>Inner bonding really nurtures and fosters the relationship between self and spirit. Personally, it has helped every relationship that I have. I’m so grateful.- Alanis Morissette
