If she really loved me she’d give me oral sex wouldn’t she?

Dear Dr. Love,

Would realy like your advice on a subject that is realy bothering me and making me feel so down and confused lately.

I am a 45 year old man.

My girlfriend is also 45.

We been dating for 8 months, and she never perforned oral sex on me altough i have done it numerous times to her.

But besides the fact that she never perforned oral sex, she rarely touches my genital parts and never kisses me anywhere beside on the mouth.

I kiss her and caress her everywhere.

I was very shy to bring up the subject untill 5-6 moths in the relationship;

It went downhill from there.

At first i was asking general question, like do you feel confortable with me intimately, do i turn you on, is there somethings i dont do right etc.

She replied all is good and that she is attracted to me or else she wouldnt sleep with me.

So one day I asked her directly, did you ever please a guy oraly.

She replied it is something that she doesnt enjoy doing but yes she did but rarely. She said i did it to my ex husband once in a while (she was married 15 years and divorced for 5 years).

So i answered ok, i rescpect the fact that you do not enjoy it….

So i asked, did it ever happen with guys after your divorce ?

She said yes onces. and this is why i feel like shit doctor.

She perfromed oral sex to this guy who by her saying didnt see a futur with him. And added that she felt obliged. I asked why you felt obliged, and she didnt anser why. I dont thing she had a bad experience cause she would tell me. She told me so many other things before that.

With me, she said i was the only since her divorce that she considered me as a steady boyfriend.

So what am i missing here.

When i told her how i feel that she did with him and not me, she couldnt say why. She said it just hapened. But it doesnt mean that because she didnt to me that she doesnt like me or care. She said that she finds to be very confortable with sexualy so that is not an issue.

I am having hard time dealing with this, And her responses arent satisfying me. Basicaly i told her that i was very patient, never forced, threted so well out of bed. I did so much for her, always being a true gentleman, And i said i feel unatractive cause it is something she already did but never to me after 8 months, If she never had in the passed, i woud understand. But she did. So why not please me at least onces. Or make me understand netter. It has become more of an emotional need for then phisical and she doesnt seem to understand why i feel this way, She took her distances from me cause of it and i fell even more sad,,,

Please help me understand…

Is it normal for mr to feel this way. Cause she makes it sound like im the one with the problem. She even turned it around and said that ii make her feel like she is not good in bed,,,, it is driving me nuts.

Signed by:


You are in pain because you’re interpreting your girlfriend’s unwillingness to give you oral sex as a sign that you are not truly loved by her and/or not attractive to her. The fact that she did this with a man that she saw no future with is the icing on the cake of your heartache.

Here is the case where you need to use my technique called “Reading Between the Sheets” to understand why you are so upset. My book, Till Death Do Us Part, shows you how to do this.

In short, you need to strip away the overt content (she won’t give you oral sex) and focus on what you’re feeling instead. You’re feeling hurt, unloved, unwanted, etc.

Next, come up with a childhood memory that triggers the same feeling. What was happening to you back then? Was Mom ignoring you and paying attention to your sister or brother?

When you connect then and now, you will understand why the current event has you so upset. It’s ripped off the scab of an Old Scar.

In adulthood, we all re-create our Old Scars from childhood because we are hoping to achieve what I call our Happy Ending. It turns out that the term Happy Ending is most applicable to your case. I’m told that a Happy Ending also refers to the illegal practice of giving an orgasm to a massage client. So you see the double entendre!

Seriously, your Happy Ending is to finally feel loved and wanted, and you’ve got it in your head that her giving you head would make you feel loved.

If you look back over your relationship with her, you will see that you have been driven by an unconscious fantasy: you believed that you could win her love by being good to her in and out of the bedroom. If you study the way you were with her sexually, you gave her much more than she gave you. You said that you also gave her oral sex even though she didn’t give it to you. Without realizing it, your behavior trained her to take and not reciprocate.

What you’ve discovered is that your behavior led you to feel used and hurt. When you operate under this fantasy and give to someone who won’t reciprocate, you end up feeling like shit, as you said.

What you need to see that you created this entire scenario. Please read Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). It will help you understand why you got caught in this painful dance and it will show you how to set yourself free.

By the way, a nun or priest may be willing to receive his/her rewards in the afterlife. In this life, lay people require reciprocity in and out of the bedroom. The rule of thumb is give to those who value your gifts and return them to you.

When you read Till Death, you will understand that you are trapped in a painful Repetition Compulsion. You chose someone who was like the parent who let you down, someone who couldn’t love you back. Then, you fell into the trap that all neglected and abused kids do, you tried to be a good, giving and loving boy, thinking that this would win you love. When that didn’t work, you just gave more. This is the formula for feeing used and like shit.

My book will show you how to set yourself free from the wound and free from this woman who can’t give you what you deserve emotionally or sexually.

Photo:Face 398, Lips, Mouth, Thick, Wide frommystockphoto.com

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© Copyright 2014 Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., All rights Reserved.
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Known to millions as "Dr. Love" through her website AskDrLove.com, Dr. Turndorf founded the web's first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure. Dr. Turndorf's multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, "Ask Dr. Love," can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled "We Can Work it Out," is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years. Dr. Turndorf's methods have been featured on national television networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1 and Fox, and on websites such as WebMD, iVillage, Discovery.com, MSNBC.com. She has also been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire. Dr. Turndorf’s latest Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, has been endorsed by New York Times bestselling authors Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw. Since the recent death of Emile Jean Pin, her beloved husband of 27 years, Dr. Turndorf has discovered that relationships do not end in death. His miraculous manifestations, often in front of witnesses, have proven to her that there is life after life and love never dies. As a result of her experiences, Dr. Turndorf has developed a groundbreaking form of grief therapy that diverges from the traditional Western approach (grieve, let go and move on). By contrast, her method guides people to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with their departed loved ones. Her latest Hay House book on this topic is entitled Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased. To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book . For Free Gift details or to receive a sneak peek of Love Never DIes, visit the book page: http://askdrlove.com/page/love-never-dies-how-reconnect-and-make-peace-deceased.