Find out how to conquer the self-blame that’s preventing you from resolving conflicts

Have you ever had the experience of trying to resolve a conflict and running up against your partner’s self-blame in a way that stops any exploration or possibility of a resolution?

This is the situation with Renee:

“Hi Margaret, thank you for your great work. My partner and I fall into conflict quite often. I am always the one trying to resolve things and move towards reconnection. Most often in our communication he goes off on ‘Fine, so just blame me then, it’s my fault again, I am the one to blame then aren’t I’ and on and on about blame with no resolution until days later, if at all…I truly do not feel like I am blaming him, I express to him that it is not at all about blame, but trying to understand where and why we fell into disconnect. It doesn’t work, he gets more defended, I get more angry, and he goes off into his self protection bubble, leaving me feel feeling abandoned and unheard. The self-blame game seems to be one of his default modes. What do you suggest?”

As always, there is a circular system going on, with both people in their wounded selves.

While Renee believes she is open to learning, the fact that she explains and then gets angry, and then feels abandoned and unheard indicates that she is likely making her partner responsible for her feelings – which may be why he feels blamed.

If Renee were open, then when her partner did his self-blame game, she would be really curious about why he feels blamed by her, rather than trying to talk him out of it. She would say, with genuine curiosity, something like, “Please tell me what I’m doing that is making you feel blamed.” She would be coming from a belief that there might actually be something she is doing that is blaming, rather than telling him that it’s not about blame. She would be open to hearing that there was something in her energy that felt blaming to him.

Renee then gets angry, which always indicates that she was, in some way, trying to control something rather than be open to learning. If she were truly open to learning and to taking responsibility for her own feelings, and her partner wouldn’t open to even telling her why he feels blamed by her, then she would lovingly disengage, accepting her helplessness over his lack of openness. But instead, she gets angry to try to control him into resolving with her.

Then, the fact that she feels abandoned and unheard indicates that she is abandoning herself and not hearing herself, and then making him responsible for her feelings. If she were truly open and taking responsibility for her own feelings, she would not feel abandoned and unheard by him, because she would not be making him responsible for being the one to hear her.

What Renee needs to do before trying to resolve a conflict with her partner is do her own Inner Bonding work, exploring her part of the conflict and taking loving care of her own feelings. Then she could go to her partner and share her own learning with him, rather than trying to get him to deal with his end of the conflict. She is very aware of his using the self-blame game, but very unaware of the fact that she is likely subtly making him responsible for her feelings.

There is always a system between two people, and the more we explore our own end of the system, the better things get.

Alanis Morrissette
Alanis Morissette
“Inner bonding really nurtures and fosters the relationship between self and spirit. Personally, it has helped every relationship that I have. I’m so grateful.”- Alanis Morissette Here is the important secret that really makes love last which enabled singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love>>    

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CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.