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How Do I Date Again After a Long Term Relationship
By Anthony BerconiJan 21, 2016
Moving on can help you to get over what has to be left behind.
A person might be considered on the rebound if he or she becomes involved in a relationship that shortly follows the ending of a previous one. Those on the rebound are assumed to have distress as a result of their prior relationship, and therefore their emotional availability is in question. Commonly it is assumed that if you are on the rebound you do not have the capacity to make good decisions about a choice of partner because your feelings about your previous partner influence your decision-making. Thus, if you are dating someone who is rebounding, you may wonder if that person is capable of emotional attachment or if you are, instead, simply a substitute for love that was lost.
Another concern of those who date rebounding people is the potential for neediness to determine the connection rather than actual interest. Certainly there are cases where a fear of being without a partner, rather than genuine attraction and emotional connection, motivates someone to immediately enter into a new relationship.
Those on the rebound may harbor resentment toward the previous partner and experience anger as a result of shame. But such negative emotions regarding a previous partner maintain a tie to them. Anger toward an ex-partner may interfere with attachment to a current one, as well as put a current partner in the uncomfortable position of competing with the ghost of what remains of the past relationship and wondering if the new partner’s interest in, or excitement about, the new relationship is enough to provide fulfillment.
In contrast, some potential partners on the rebound do not bring up the relationship that recently ended, nor do they expose any emotions surrounding the dissolution. A partner’s failure to openly discuss a previous partner does not necessarily represent an indication of continued attachment to them. In such circumstances it is often the new partner whose anxiety about the attachment leads them to focus on the previous relationship of the person with whom he or she is involved, especially when the previous relationship is very recent history.
The rebound relationship, it is believed, takes up the space that was left by the previous relationship and provides both stability and distraction from loss rather than a working through. According to this way of thinking, a person should “get over” the loss of a relationship before moving on to the next one, which negates the potential for healing and learning that occurs within the contrast of a new relationship. A rebound relationship may mitigate the hurt, shame, and pain of a break-up. Nevertheless, when a person loses a connection, it is through connecting that recovery takes place. Focusing on someone new, according to the limited research on the subject of rebound relationships, can help a person recover from a break-up (Spielmann, S., Macdonald, G., & Wilson, A., 2009). This does not necessarily mean that the new relationship is valued less than the previous one. In fact, the new relationship can prove to have far greater worth than the previous relationship since it is through the comparison of need satisfaction that fulfillment is judged. Time between relationships is not necessary for psychological well-being. People need connection, and moving on can help you get over what has to be left behind.
(For information about my books, please see my website: http://www.marylamia.com)
Spielmann, S., Macdonald, G., & Wilson, A. (2009). On the rebound: focusing on someone new helps anxiously attached individuals let go of ex-partners. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 1382-1394.
This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Dr. Mary Lamia is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who works with adults, couples, adolescents, and preteens in her Marin County private practice. She is a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. Extending psychological knowledge to the public has been her endeavor for thirty years. Dr. Lamia’s opinion has been sought in hundreds of television, radio, and print media interviews and discussions, and for nearly a decade she hosted a weekly call-in talk show, KidTalk with Dr. Mary, on Radio Disney stations. Her books include: Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings; Understanding Myself: A Kid’s Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings: and, The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From Your Need to Rescue Others.