Are you addicted to fixing others? Learn how to love yourself and wean yourself off this addiction

Many of us were raised to base our identity on helping or fixing others. Fixing others is often the addiction of choice for people who have a naturally deep level of empathy and who easily feel others’ pain.

This was one of my major addictions for many years. Deeply feeling my parents’ pain and the pain of others around me was unbearable to me as a child. I thought that if only I could make them happy then I wouldn’t have to feel their pain.

Leslie is struggling with this very issue:

“I am completely attached and addicted to trying to help my sister. I can see now that my health and chronic pain is very much linked to hers – not wanting to be better/healthier than her for fear of rejection abandonment and criticism. If you have any words on how to release the habit of obsessing over others problems and the need to “fix it” before I can be happy and free, would be greatly appreciated.”

Leslie, as I discovered with myself when I started to practice Inner Bonding, the fear of rejection, abandonment and criticism comes from rejecting, abandoning and criticizing yourself. You are making your sister responsible for whether or not you are okay, which means that you are making her responsible for your feelings. As you learn and practice Inner Bonding and learn to take loving care of yourself, you will naturally be able to let go of your addiction to fixing her.

You not only have the right to be happy and free, you also have the responsibility for creating your own happiness and freedom, instead of making your sister responsible for this. As you diligently practice Inner Bonding and develop your loving adult self and your spiritual connection, you will gradually have an easier time focusing on what you need rather than on what she needs.

Trying to fix her has nothing to do with loving yourself or with loving her. In fact, trying to fix her is very controlling. It took me a long time to understand that fixing others is a form of control, but once I understood this and accepted that my responsibility is to love myself and share my love with others, I was able to let go of fixing.

Sharon has a similar issue:

“How do you conquer unhealthy attachments, or rather, if you had become attached because of fear of abandonment or desire to “fix” (both co-dependent traits), how do you help break those ties and find self love and self trust again? When you are always thinking about the “other” person/breakup/past issues, it is hard to live in the moment and not be overwhelmed with worry, sadness or anxiety.”

Sharon, as an adult, the fear of abandonment comes from self-abandonment – such as judging yourself, staying in your head and ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and making others responsible for your feelings. Your worry, sadness and anxiety are telling you that you are abandoning yourself. Self-abandonment comes from the intent to control others and avoid your own feelings, and this is what leads to unhealthy attachments and trying to fix others. As long as you don’t have a strong inner connection with your feeling self – your inner child – and with a personal source of love and wisdom, you will continue to attach to others in unhealthy ways. Like Leslie, you need to learn to love yourself by learning and practicing Inner Bonding.

You CAN heal a ‘fixing others’ addiction by focusing on learning to love yourself rather than continuing to abandon yourself. If I can do it, so can you!

Alanis Morrissette
Alanis Morissette
“Inner bonding really nurtures and fosters the relationship between self and spirit. Personally, it has helped every relationship that I have. I’m so grateful.”- Alanis Morissette   Find out how Inner Bonding has helped singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love>>

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© Copyright 2015 Margaret Paul. Ph.D, All rights Reserved.
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CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.