Are you addicted to gossiping about others or do you know others who gossip? Discover the underlying cause of gossiping.

 A member of Inner Bonding Village asked the following question:

“I’m a little confused. My mother is visiting me, and sometimes we have a nice time together. But often her way of bonding with me or anyone else is to talk about other people’s problems. Most of the time I find it draining. It feels like she is never happy and uses her ‘caring’ and problem solving abilities to avoid something else.”

The questioner’s understanding of this situation may be exactly what is happening – his mother is likely using her addiction to gossip as a way of connecting with her son and avoiding her own emptiness and aloneness that is the result of her self-abandonment.

I had a phone session with Gil over this very same issue.

“After Mindy and I come back from a social event, or have a social event at our house, we often spend time gossiping about other people, judging them fairly harshly. I don’t know why we do this. It kind of feels good at the time, but after I notice that I feel badly.”

“What feels good at the time?”

“I guess it feels good to our ego wounded self to feel like we are one up to these people, and it gives us something to connect about.”

“And what feels bad after?”

“I think it doesn’t feel good to my inner child to think badly about others. He doesn’t like me to be judgmental and it makes him feel kind of empty.”

“What do you think you are avoiding feeling when you are gossiping with Mindy?”

“Well….I think that most of the time I’m not as caring toward others as I really want to be, so I end up feeling kind of alone and empty and lonely around other people. I want to connect with them but I think I’m so afraid of rejection that I hold back. Maybe I gossip with Mindy to try to feel better, and it works for the moment, but then I end up feeling worse.”

Gossip is like any other addiction – it is a way of avoiding responsibility for your feelings, and can be used by the wounded self as a way to connects with others. The wounded self has numerous ways of trying to connect with others other than being truly authentic and caring, such as drinking together, smoking pot together, ridiculing others together, or even using things like food to get a sense of closeness without having to be authentic. Gossip is another one of the ways the wounded self tries to connect and get filled up externally when you are abandoning yourself.

“Gil, it sounds like you want to connect with Mindy but that you don’t know how to do it without gossiping – is that right?”

“I do want to connect with her and others, and I’m not sure how to do it.”

“The problem is that it is hard to connect with others when you are disconnected from yourself. It ends up being a vicious circle. You disconnect from your own feelings, which makes your inner child feel alone and abandoned inside, which then leads to a fear of rejection, which then leads to you holding back who you are. This won’t change until you are willing to practice staying present in your own body with your own feelings and taking responsibility for them rather than avoiding them with gossip and other addictions. This is what the practice of Inner Bonding® is all about – learning how to take responsibility for your own feelings so that you have love and caring to share with others.”

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Find out how Inner Bonding has helped Alanis Morissette to evolve in her courage to love.

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© Copyright 2014 Margaret Paul. Ph.D, All rights Reserved.
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CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.