What’s the best time for sex?
I have always marveled at the traditional set-up in many cultures of expecting, even requiring, sexual initiation on one’s wedding night. For woman or man, this big event has to come at the conclusion of a long and highly stressful day, preceded by little food, perhaps too much alcohol and undoubtedly physical fatigue. What could be a worse set-up for a happy sexual event?
Perhaps worse is what is commonplace today—not sexual initiation, but sex at all at the very end of a day filled with your for-pay job, another full time job at home, family stressors, TV watching of shoot-‘em-ups and explosions, and the world news on TV before retiring. How can this possibly put anyone in the mood for love or even just a relaxing before-sleep orgasm?
Every so often one will read statistics of how many young couples have a sexless relationship, that is partner sex less than once a month. There are increasing numbers of young men reporting erection dysfunction and women with low or no desire. In most surveys both women and men state that they would like to have more sex than they are now having. None of these pieces of news is surprising to me after 30+ years as a sex therapist. What’s going on?
When a person is young and lusty and/or newly in love there are few conditions for sex beyond a willing partner. As life becomes more complicated without the luster of new love and with the added conditions of longtime familiarity, perhaps a child or two, professional pressures, money worries, bodily changes, and a host of challenges to good or spontaneous sex the natural result is less good sex and less sex at all. A healthy sexual relationship is an important component of the Good Life. Since we can’t turn back the hands of Time, what can we do?
For both women and men living a healthier lifestyle matters—good nutrition, no overuse of stimulants like alcohol or drugs, getting enough sleep and exercise and time by yourself can all insure that your “instrument”, your body, is in the best shape for sex. I know that in today’s busy lives many of these things are no simple feat to achieve but if a sex life matters these are the prerequisites. Becoming healthier in body and mind pay off in all aspects of one’s life beyond the intimate. A healthy, well-rested individual is a better employee, boss, family member, parent and friend, an all-round better person.
Another most important solution to having a better sex life beyond bringing two healthier bodies together is to rethink the timing of when sex usually occurs. Everybody knows that sex is better on vacations, away from everyday settings and pressures. But did you remember that a man’s testosterone levels naturally rise in the morning? Erections will be firmer then without the aid of erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra or Cialis. A woman, softer and warm from a night’s sleep, is likely to be more open to physical intimacy. I know about deadlines and rush hours and morning hectic routines but there is a pay-off to rising a half hour early and planning for these intimate moments alone before the morning onslaught.
There’s also nothing amiss to sex before dinner, or earlier in the evening before sleepiness sets in. There’s nothing amiss with sex at any hour two people agree to engage in it or at least set aside the time to be alone together so that it might happen if it seems desirable. All that is needed is the decision to make sex more of a priority and then some problem solving as to how and when. Hearing one’s partner say that she or he is eager to give sex some priority in your shared life is already a good beginning and an incentive to make it happen.
