Dear Dr. Love,

I’ve been having a long distance relationship with a man for about six months. During that six months we saw each other about a week or two a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. Recently we have been able to spend the entire month together. He is a wonderful person, receptive, caring, warm and everything is blissful, except that he is unsociable.

He does not like to go out to bars, parties, or even visit with my relatives. I did get him to go with me to a black tie affair, but he didn’t even want to talk to the people I knew there, he was content just to stay in the corner with me.

Should I be bothered by this? We have talked about him moving here to be with me, but I ‘m not sure if I want that now because I will have to give up something that makes me happy – a. k. a. being social. Don’t get me wrong, I ‘m not a party animal, but I enjoy going out at least once or twice a week and meeting new people. He would rather stay in or go shopping, meeting new people is not on his agenda. When I ask him if he wants to go out to be with my friends, he says no.

I’m 28, he’s 28. I don’t want to change him. . . but I guess I want you to tell me the obvious.

Askew in Alexandria


You want me to tell you the obvious– ‘if you don’t like the merchandise, don’t buy it or else you’ll have to exchange it later.’

My question to you is this: Since you already knew this, how come you needed me to tell you? What I mean is, why do you need outside confirmation of what you know in your heart? You sound like you doubt yourself and worse, you seem to view yourself as being off base (askew). What on earth is askew about you? You know very well what you like and want, so why call yourself derogatory names like askew?

It seems to me like someone in your life made you doubt your inner wisdom? This would explain why you need someone else to tell you what you already know. And you do know exactly who you are and what you need and want. You sound really together to me, only you don’t know it because there’s a voice in your head that makes you doubt yourself. It would be good for you to label that voice that undermines you and causes you to doubt yourself. Is the voice mom or dad? Find out, or else you’re going to spend the rest of your life thinking you’re askew, when, I swear, you are fine and on target.

Follow your heart and your instincts, which are perfect. You yourself knew, without my having to tell you, that you can’t expect to change this guy. Either you can or you can’t live with this antisocial aspect of his personality. And, from the sound of your letter, it seems that you can’t live this aspect.

So, remember what Dr. Love told you, you are not askew; never were, never will be.

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© Copyright Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., All rights Reserved.
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  • long distance relationship
  • unhealthy relationships
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Known to millions as "Dr. Love" through her website, Dr. Turndorf founded the web's first and immensely popular relationship advice column in 1995. She consistently attracts new fans and keeps her existing audience engaged through her compassionate understanding as well as her frank delivery and earthy sense of humor. At the same time, she puts her listeners at ease while digging deeply in their psyches and prescribing her signature cure. Dr. Turndorf's multimedia platform allows her to share relevant and timely advice via radio, online, in print and on television. Her radio show, "Ask Dr. Love," can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and on WebTalkRadio, which broadcasts in 80 countries worldwide. Her column entitled "We Can Work it Out," is published monthly online in Psychology Today. Her critically acclaimed books have been teaching readers the hard and fast facts to healing relationships for years. Dr. Turndorf's methods have been featured on national television networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1 and Fox, and on websites such as WebMD, iVillage,, She has also been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire. Dr. Turndorf’s latest Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, has been endorsed by New York Times bestselling authors Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw. Since the recent death of Emile Jean Pin, her beloved husband of 27 years, Dr. Turndorf has discovered that relationships do not end in death. His miraculous manifestations, often in front of witnesses, have proven to her that there is life after life and love never dies. As a result of her experiences, Dr. Turndorf has developed a groundbreaking form of grief therapy that diverges from the traditional Western approach (grieve, let go and move on). By contrast, her method guides people to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with their departed loved ones. Her latest Hay House book on this topic is entitled Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased. To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book . For Free Gift details or to receive a sneak peek of Love Never DIes, visit the book page: