Are you trying to figure out how to get him back because it just feels like he’s pulling away from you?

Whether you are dating or are in a long-term relationship, I am sure you have experienced this situation: Things with your guy are going really well. He is giving you lots of attention, spending time with you and telling you how much he cares. You could not feel closer or more confident in your relationship. Then all of a sudden he starts taking you for granted, or at least that is how it feels. You don’t understand what happened, and you feel hurt. You want things to go back to the way they were. You might confront him, argue, demand, make ultimatums, or even leave.

This happens in relationships for a variety of reasons, and is actually quite normal. If you understand the reasons why men act this way, you will have the power to draw him closer instead of chasing him off when he starts to pull away.

To some extent, pulling away is normal, and we all do it. In the beginning of a relationship, we put our best foot forward to impress a potential partner, and eventually, things settle down. We may even quit trying as hard. We walk around wearing rose-colored glasses in the beginning. Eventually, the hormones settle down and the glasses come off. We both start seeing sides of the other person that we do not like. No one is perfect. This is the point where women will start thinking that he has great potential if only he would change a few things.

As women, we become harder to please in the relationship. Remember, men really do want to succeed and please us. It is confusing to them when we start to change. He pulls back trying to figure out what he has done wrong, or he feels like he cannot succeed and may quit trying. This pattern can be seen in dating and established relationships. The key here is to accept him for who he is. The closer he feels to you, the more he will want to be the best he can be. If you need to change him for the relationship to work, maybe he is not the right match for you, or maybe you are expecting too much.

Another factor to understand about men is their need to feel like a man. It is natural for men, once they feel close, to occasionally need time alone or to pull back some. From an evolutionary standpoint, men are programmed to be less social and to compete in order to reproduce and pass on their genes. They do not look for connections the way women do. Women, on the other hand, are hard-wired to band together for safety and childrearing. They learned to communicate as a way to stay safe and connected. Sharing bonds women together. Women crave that feeling of closeness with their guy and do not understand when he feels the need to pull back. We wonder what we did wrong or why his feelings for us have changed. We feel hurt and confused. Men enjoy closeness, but they also need time with other guys or alone time as a balance. Understanding that this is normal can break a negative cycle in relationships.

When women do not understand this pattern, they may start acting needy, angry, or even desperate. This behavior can end a new relationship or deteriorate an existing one. When he does come back, he is ready to reconnect, but frequently, he is met with anger or hostility, which then drives him away even more. This is a pattern that needs to be avoided. Instead of feeling hurt or insecure by his pulling away, understand that it is natural and use it to make the relationship stronger. Instead of confronting him, try understanding. Instead of becoming upset, make the most it. This might be a good time to pamper yourself or spend time with your girlfriends. Allow him to miss you and give him the space he needs. Then enjoy reconnecting when he does come back. You will build a stronger relationship this way. The safer he feels with you, the less time he may need alone and the quicker he will come back. He will learn to trust you, and his love for you will deepen.

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© Copyright 2015 Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS, All rights Reserved.
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Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist –Author- Radio Host Lori has a unique and passionate approach to love and relationships and believes that everyone deserves and can have the relationship of their dreams. Her mission is to provide you with the skills you need to have the unstoppable relationship you deserve. She has over 28 years’ experience empowering individuals and couples to live richer, happier lives. She has an in-person private practice in Charlotte, NC and also provides relationship coaching by phone to people throughout the United States. Her practice spans the spectrum from dating and singles to working through divorce to renewing long-term marriages. In addition to workshops, classes, couples’ retreats and a local singles group, Lori’s radio show “Ask Lori” on WGIV/WDRB media has become a popular medium to share relationship information to millions of listeners. Born and raised in New Orleans, she has a master’s degree in clinical psychology from the University of West Florida in Pensacola. For more than 20 years, she was a mental health counselor practicing individual, marriage and family therapy in Florida. Now living in Charlotte, Lori is the mother of three daughters and is proud to homeschool her two youngest.