Don’t let it stagnate. Improve your relationship using these 5 expert tips!

It’s all too human to get lazy in our relationships and take things for granted. When things are going well, we have a tendency to coast. Here are some things to be aware of that might help you avoid blindly coasting into a mountainside:

1. Listen deeply: Listen especially carefully when your partner or friend is expressing something about the relationship. A sincere effort to listen–even it you don’t fully understand everything they’re saying–goes a long way toward helping your partner feel that you care about them and value the relationship. Remember that your partner simply is expressing feelings, which may sometimes have more do to with their history than with you. Deep listening is a powerful act of generosity.

2. Be empathic: Take their feelings seriously, even if you don’t think there’s a good reason for them. If what they’re saying is difficult to hear, try to stay connected in your body. Take some deep breaths. Remind yourself that they’re entitled to their feelings. Notice if you are going into a shame-freeze(link is external). Being paralyzed by the thought that you did something wrong makes it difficult to listen. Ask them to pause if you need time to absorb what they’re saying. Perhaps say something like: “I really want to hear you. What you’re saying is important to me. I need a moment to let in what you’re saying.”

3. Monitor your defensiveness: Notice a tendency to get defensive and dismissive, which we all do sometimes. It’s not easy to be attentive when someone is unhappy about something we’ve said or done–or if they’re dissatisfied with the relationship in some way. Do your best to hear what they’re saying without going into a shame-freeze–or be aware of how the shame-freeze is feeling in your body and bring gentleness to it so that it might soften. Be mindful if you’re feeling paralyzed and therefore unable to hear them because you’re thinking something is wrong with you or that you’re not doing something right. If you’re paralyzed by shame, you won’t be able to listen well. If you agree that you did something hurtful, you can take responsibility for that without beating yourself up. You can learn something from the feedback and make an effort to be more mindful going forward.

4. Tune into the intimacy: Even difficult conversations can build intimacy. If you can both express your authentic feelings and really listen to each other, it can go a long way toward deepening the connection. In a partnership, it might even enliven your sex life to share feelings that might otherwise go into hiding.

5. Enjoy your time together: Make sure the relationship has ample time to enjoy each other’s company. John Gottman’s research(link is external) into couples has suggested that building the connection in positive ways helps create an important foundation for love and connection to grow.

Attending to your relationship in these mindful ways can help nurture the connection you long for. And don’t be shy to seek help when necessary in a partnership that is important to you; don’t wait until things get really bad. I’ve found  approach of Emotionally Focusing Therapy(link is external) to be particularly helpful for couples. Getting the support of a couples counselor can help you uncover and reveal the deeper layers of what you’re experiencing, as well as learn to listen to each other non-defensively.

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John Amodeo, Ph.D., MFT, is author of , which won the 2014 Silver Independent Publisher Book Award in the relationship category. His other books include  and L. He has been a licensed marriage and family therapist for thirty-five years in the San Francisco Bay area and has conducted workshops internationally on relationships and couples therapy.

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© Copyright 2015 John Amodeo, PhD, MFT, All rights Reserved.
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John Amodeo, PhD, MFT (#MFC14453), is the author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships (Quest Books), which received the Spirituality and Practice Award as one of the best spiritual books of 2013. His other books include The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love (John Wiley & Sons) andLove & Betrayal (Ballantine Books). He holds graduate degrees in both Clinical and Transpersonal Psychology and has been a licensed marriage and family therapist for over thirty years, with offices in San Francisco, San Rafael, and the Sebastopol area. A former writer and contributing editor for Yoga Journal for ten years, he has conducted workshops nationally and internationally on love, intimacy, and couples therapy, and has been featured on national television and radio programs that include CNN, CNBC, Donahue, and New Dimensions Radio. He has been interviewed or written for publications that include The Chicago Tribune, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The Dallas Morning News, The San Jose Mercury News, The Rocky Mountain News and The Toronto Sun. He has led workshops at centers such as Esalen Institute, The Omega Institute, and The New York Open Center, and is an adjunct faculty member of Meridian University. He has trained in Somatic Experiencing, developed by Dr. Peter Levine for dealing with trauma and is a Certified Focusing Trainer. He has had training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples with Dr. Sue Johnson, and has co-authored a chapter with her in her edited book, The Emotionally Focused Casebook: New Directions in Treating Couples (2011). To learn more about Focusing-Oriented Therapy, please visit: To learn more about Focusing, please visit: