Question
Dear Doctor, i am currently pursuing my MBA and on the verge of sitting for placements. In your article ” caring what other people think” they were two lines that hit me hard. phrase 1:And yet there are some people who wish to present themselves to the world as being without flaw. They wish to be impervious to criticism. They put in considerable effort into this pointless endeavor. Phrase 2: Some people will disapprove of you, of course.
No matter who you are, some people will disapprove. They are in the business of looking down on everyone. They judge everybody unfavorably because of their own emotional needs.
My question is this: I am unable to accept that “those some people” judge me unfavourably only because to satisfy their emotional needs. why is that ?
Through your post I got the answer that they do so for quenching their needs. but most of the time I feel that (even though I haven’t disturbed them mentally , in classroom) I give in for them to execute their desires of disturbing me . I do not know whether I self pity myself, I feel I become a prey to them. apart from this , I am an encouraging team player who actually help people out to participate and appreciate people whole heartedly even if that stranger is one of my classmate. I just cant understand their behaviour and I am unable to overcome this unknown fear.
Also there is one part in me where I want to be flawless in everything I do. its because of my upbringing. I try to execute it only in a positive way.that is; even though my team mates are unable to present well, I only support them in bringing out a good presentation in front of staffs. I never criticize them or speak abusive of them behind their back. its all because i was brought up by seeing my family members unconditional empathy and love for people be it for the relatives, strangers ( though the latter hurting them badly).
So , can this me trying to be flawless and genuine could also be a reason for those ” some people” to have envy. if so, what measure can i really adopt to overcome these self hindrances because i can understand that I can change only myself for me to function peacefully. Kindly awaiting your reply. Your’s truly Abi
Answer
You ask why it is so that some people are hypercritical and seem to judge everyone unfavorably. It is a kind of prejudice. Insofar as that person over there is inferior by virtue of –being Black, or Jewish, or of some other ethnic group–or because he/she did not go to college, or to a good college–or because he/she dresses differently or has different customs–or because he/she likes a different kind of music–or speaks with a different accent–or because he/she has a physical or emotional problem such as a depression or a phobia–well, then, I am better. I can take comfort knowing that I am above criticism. I am not one of them. These critical individuals express these angry opinions not so much to make the other person feel bad, but to make themselves feel good.
You can not rise above such criticism by becoming infallible. They would find something to criticize anyway. Besides, no one is infallible. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes someone tells me (to justify being compulsive, for example) that in his/her profession there is no room for a mistake. A nurse said, “If I mix up the drugs I give a patient, their lives can be in danger.” It doesn’t matter. Whatever the stakes, people will make mistakes anyway. All anyone can try to to is minimize those accidents. Remember that a multimillion dollar space mission was almost lost completely because someone mixed up centimeters and inches!
There is no way of stopping these critical individuals (who tend to form groups) from criticizing you. How you respond, however, is up to you. There is no reason for you to measure yourself by whatever standards they use to make you feel inferior. If you try to be a good person, that is worth doing, whether or not someone seems to appreciate you.
