- Ignoring your feelings by staying in your head rather than being present in your body.
- Judging yourself, being negative, rather than being kind, caring and compassionate with yourself.
- Turning to various addictions to avoid feeling your feelings and taking responsibility for them.
- Making others responsible for your feelings, or taking responsibility for others’ feelings.
- Not speaking up for yourself – allowing yourself to be treated badly by others.
- Not taking care of your health by eating badly, not exercising, not getting enough sleep.
- Not opening to learning with a spiritual source of love and truth.
- Not taking financial and organizational care of yourself.
When you are not loving yourself, you will also feel abandoned by God, and therefore feel unloved by God. And, when you are not loving yourself, you will also likely not feel loved by others, even if they are loving you.
You will feel loved by yourself when you:
- Are present with your feelings with an intent to learn about the information they are giving you and you desire to take responsibility for them.
- You treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and compassion.
- You think in positive ways.
- You do not make others responsible for your feelings nor do you take responsibility for others’ feelings.
- You speak your truth without blame or judgment.
- You take good care of your body/health.
- You provide financial and organizational safety for yourself.
- You have a devoted spiritual practice.
Feeling Loved or Unloved by Another
You will likely feel unloved by another when:
- The other is distant, cold, withdrawn, discounting, negative, disconnected, emotionally unavailable – controlling in any number of covert ways.
- The other is angry, blaming, judgmental, mean, attacking, lying, physically violent – controlling in any number of overt ways.
- The other is closed to learning with you, refusing to lovingly discuss problems and resolve conflict.
- The other shuts you out with TV, Blackberry or iPhone, computer, work, reading, alcohol, pot, and any number of other addictions.
- The other is uninterested in you and what you say.
- The other doesn’t care about how his or her behavior affects you.
Others will also feel unloved by you when you are behaving in the above ways.
You will feel loved when:
- The other cares about your feelings and wellbeing, and about the effect his or her behavior has on you. The other cares and attempts to understand when his or her behavior is hurtful to you.
- The other is compassionate with you when you are feeling the core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, or sorrow – even when it is about his or her behavior.
- The other listens to you attentively, connecting with you emotionally.
- The other is open to learning with you in conflict and wants your highest good as well as his or her highest good.
- The other takes responsibility for his or her own feelings and wellbeing so he or she can come to you with an open heart full of love.
Others will feel loved when you are behaving in the above ways.
If you are feeling unloved, you need to look at how you are not being loving to yourself within yourself and with others. If you consistently feel unloved by a particular person, you need to look at how you might not be taking loving care of yourself when around that person.
[Margaret Paul Relationship Toolbox]